The Sludge of the Toxic Narcissist

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H_Wright
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akelta wrote:Then Mammon told me that part of the human experience takes us to places where we have to overcome challenges and that there is no shame in being met with a challenge, there is no shame even in stumbling in that challenge, as long as we keep working and rising to overcome that challenge. He told me I should share it as it would help others and would show me that I really was not alone in dealing with this. The more I go the braver I get in revealing all this. I don't want to live here, I don't want to be a victim, I want to rise above this and embrace my life with demons and help other people to do the same, which means healing lol and facing that of which terrifies me.
And this is why we love them so much. Nope, not always easy. Actually rarely easy, but I can't help but to feel a little pinch of gratitude that I owe a lot of growth as a person because of, not necessarily in spite of, my narcissist. I honestly don't know that I would be spiritually where I am today without this part of my life, or even growing past it. I feel this has heightened my threshold beyond what I could have ever expected as a human. I'm so glad Mammon had you share your story because he is absolutely right in that we can all use each others strength in healing and overcoming. When we feel the weakest, we can all pool together this beautiful healing energy for each other.
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Akelta
Goddess of the Void
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Your favourite Demon?: Tiger, High Prince H, Bear, Oblivion, Quasar, Prince V, Venom, Cadaver, My Family
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H_Wright wrote:And this is why we love them so much. Nope, not always easy. Actually rarely easy, but I can't help but to feel a little pinch of gratitude that I owe a lot of growth as a person because of, not necessarily in spite of, my narcissist. I honestly don't know that I would be spiritually where I am today without this part of my life, or even growing past it. I feel this has heightened my threshold beyond what I could have ever expected as a human. I'm so glad Mammon had you share your story because he is absolutely right in that we can all use each others strength in healing and overcoming. When we feel the weakest, we can all pool together this beautiful healing energy for each other.
It is indeed! They are wonderful and amazing! I hear you with that one. I know my own experiences have shown me what I don't want to be and have aligned me more with who I am. All of these lessons, they reveal things, and life is an amazing teacher. Thank you, I still admit it is hard to let it out. I have perfectionistic tendencies and it is hard exposing yourself to the world, though that is part of deprogramming the isolation, realizing that we are not alone. It's been a hell of a journey so far and it is going to continue!
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Akelta
Goddess of the Void
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Patron Deities: Satan, Lucifer, Mammon, Azazel, Andras, Paimon, Leviathan, Unsere, The Family
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This is what happens when you stand up to narcissist and they try to control you with threats. Well the threats don't scare me anymore and I am done with this.
"Akelta
I am writing to inquire as to your reason for fixating upon me and blogging about your delusions about me in a very obvious 'blind gossip' manner. After encountering your dishonesty I am not at all surprised that you would rewrite history and cast yourself as a victim in your own mind, but at the same time I am surprised that you would give me so much power over yourself.

Unless you would like me to write a 'blind gossip' rebuttal to your delusions, you will remove your 'narcissist' blog immediately as well as any of your published writing where you put words in Azazel and Mammon's mouth in regards to Satan and Suns. The rebuttal would have to do with my encounter with a young, naive girl, a wiccan who had no knowledge of what I was to teach her about demonic bindings and familiars and the community of people who existed, one who was in the end, incredibly corrosive in her energy, and completely delusional and ungrateful... The person who had made a fool of themselves in the pagan community with their public human rights complaint which I found out only too late. The person who lied about being many years older and many times more experienced than she was. The person who had long been a wiccan who suddenly passed themselves off as a black magician. The person who had no credentials who jumped at the opportunity to buy themselves a priesthood at the universal church instead of earn it the legitimate way. The person who lied and embellished their past. The girl who had very little to say at times and so often took my writings and presented them as her own. The one who was codependent with her older, controlling husband to the point when I met her she didn't have a driver's license and relied on her husband to drop her off and pick her up like a child at a playdate. The person who was jobless when I met them and their husband was a waiter. The person who was so greedy and enamored with wealth that their personality changed once they received a slight car accident settlement combined with fraudulent business income that their whole personality changed once they financed a new car and bought some new clothes, their ego inflated with the material boon, and they quickly became insufferable. The person who emphasized to me that Creepy Hollows was extremely malevolent based on her questionable and inaccurate psychic perceptions. And so on.

(This part is funny because I never said this and in fact I openly support and endorse Creepy Hollows publicly and have purchased from them and enjoy their work). 

Get the picture? It's a two way street. I'm surprised you are still so obsessed with me and giving me so much power, not to mention so incredibly ungrateful. Get over it. Get a fucking life you creep! You came into my life and got what was for you the opportunity of a lifetime, because of me. You should shut up and appreciate what you have instead of continually obsessing over me, rewriting the past, and being ridiculous, painting yourself a victim. I came upon your blog tonight randomly and was shocked to see your obsession and delusion."

Take it down before I being putting up 'blind' posts of my own. Leave me and anything to do with me out of your writings. You are once again overstepping the legal agreement you made. I am truly appalled by your immature behavior."
This is not what happened and honestly I have every right to write a healing post of the abuse that I endured and take back my power. It is when people stay silent to their treatment that this behaviour is allowed to spread. I was afraid in the past but I am not afraid anymore. I never once said the post was about her and honestly it was actually a combined post about two people. What this threat does is proves what I said to be true. The blog post about an ex business partner, I said no names and honestly it could have been about anyone but if the shoe fits. I don't have to justify this. Those of you that know me and my work, know what is written here is nothing of what I am, it is a bunch of lies.

This one came in a few minutes after...
By the way, think that is bad? I am only just getting started. I will write about:

Your addiction to Dungeons and Dragons - or is it World of Warcraft? The alternate reality that you live in, that you conveniently never told me about.

Your stay in a mental hospital as a teen, and your diagnosis with schizoaffective disorder. The fact that you won't take your meds because you feel it dampens your keen 'psychic' abilities - when in reality all this does is support the evidence that your 'psychic' side is a pile of psychotic delusion.

You think you have the ability to diagnose me with a personality disorder? Well that is because you yourself have borderline personality disorder. You would have been a sociopath if you weren't so hopelessly insecure and filled with turbulent emotions, but it is because of that you are borderline instead. You have painted me black, as borderlines do.

Your amazingly skilled husband had absolutely no experience in the occult as you explained to me when you met me, yet a month or two later he had miraculously become your mouthpiece to Mammon - the very same mouthpiece that manipulated and influenced you to your further nefarious actions in stealing S&S as the behest of the 'gods' -.
Shall I go on?

Remove any and all allusions you have made about me in the past four years across all of your domains including non-public areas of the Satan and Suns forum, where you claimed that you 'taught' me all I knew. Immediately. Then write to me and confirm each removal.
This is what happens when you defend yourself against Narcissists and what they do to try to bring you down and keep you from speaking the truth. Well I am posting this because I am not afraid anymore and anyone who has endured this sort of treatment should not have to live in fear. This is clearly the year of cleaning house, so no not only will I keep the blog post up because it was a post about healing, but I will also post this, because I am just not afraid anymore.
Lover of Demons
Royal Demon Goddess
Darling of Sublime Romance
Daughter of Demonic Macabre

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Eilana
Lady of Monsters
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They always come back when you are about to rise. It's like they sense when you remove the hooks they left in your subconscious mind.

Akelta, you are one of the most beautiful, amazing and uplifting people I have ever met in my life. If not for you, I would still be in an abusive relationship with my ex who himself was a narcissist and tried to do the same shit when I left. Every time I spoke to you, you always helped me. You always inspired me. You always lifted me up when I felt my worst and I honestly think anyone who speaks to you probably feels the same sense of inspiration and empowerment. No one is perfect but you always strive to do your best and be your best and help everyone around you. You always push to improve and make things better and you will admit when you make mistakes and take responsibility for things. That is why S&S is what it is. That is why we have the community here that we have.

You don't have to give this person another thought and if they do what they are threatening to do, who cares? She is trying to bully and intimidate you and it's bullshit. The things she accuses you of are lies, meant to target what she perceives (or possibly perceived several years ago) as weaknesses or insecurities. She even projects some of her own issues onto you and tries to make you take responsibility for them, another classic narcissistic abuse tactic.
Akelta wrote:This is not what happened and honestly I have every right to write a healing post of the abuse that I endured and take back my power. It is when people stay silent to their treatment that this behaviour is allowed to spread. I was afraid in the past but I am not afraid anymore. I never once said the post was about her and honestly it was actually a combined post about two people. What this threat does is proves what I said to be true. The blog post about an ex business partner, I said no names and honestly it could have been about anyone but if the shoe fits. I don't have to justify this. Those of you that know me and my work, know what is written here is nothing of what I am, it is a bunch of lies.
What you said is just pure perfection and truth. You do have the right to defend yourself and so does everyone else who ends up in a relationship or partnership or somehow connected to a person like this. Fear and silence makes us victims, not speaking out against behaviors that hurt us. Sharing our experiences gives others the chance to step back and see how sometimes we let people treat us like less than we are so that we can do better for ourselves. If all of the people whose posts/books/articles I read hadn't shared their stories of narcissists that had hurt and abused them, I never would have realized what my ex was doing to me fully or been able to heal it. When we share these things, instead of staying silent and locked in fear, we heal ourselves and others.

Thank you again Akelta for your bravery, sharing this and being an inspiration.
:death: :death: :death:

~ Burn the ships to take the island. ~

Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.
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Passchendaele
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I haven't read any of the responses to this post as I write this, but I have a feeling this is going to open a floodgate. It certainly did with me. The narcissist in my life was someone who was there for 23 years. The main reason it lasted as long as it did was that, for most of that time, geography kept us very far apart.

While that dynamic never changed, technology did. Suddenly, there was the internet. Easy as pie to stay in touch with anyone anywhere on this planet. She reached out to me first, and my Little Voice tried to warn me, re-warn me, actually, I had no illusions of what she was capable of, and I was VERY aware that she was a narcissist. So was she. She would joke about it. And I found that to be endearing, in a strange way.

We were lovers after we first met. That phase was textbook study in “dysfunctional relationships” my Little Voice became a Little Megaphone. “Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Do not pass “Go” do not collect 200 dollars. Get the f*** out before she REALLY sinks her talons into you.”

Oddly enough, she ended whatever sort of relationship we had (primarily, but not exclusively sexual) when she had a blow-out fight with her live in boyfriend, packed her bags and left town. I did sigh a sigh of relief.

Fast forward to her contacting me on-line in the early double aughts. I felt safe because of the physical distance between us, that and the “fact” that I had never really been in love with her, so...what harm could there be?

It took me years to figure out what she was doing. She really is a master at getting men to do whatever she wants them to do. What she did to me was turn me into her emotional surrogate husband. All that time I thought I was just being a “good friend” as she poured out her marriage situation.

She loved her husband, more or less, but she talked him into having a “open marriage” she just could not be a “one guy” woman! She had to be free...to a point. She was careful not to push things too far because hubby had a very well-paying job, and she had talked him into paying for her solo trips to Europe, Costa Rica, North Africa, anywhere she wanted to go. She went by herself, had sex with whomever, and her husband paid all the bills.

While hubby was willing to look the other way on her bed hopping, he was NOT willing to hear about any emotional ties that may have developed between her and whomever. And they were there. An she had to talk to someone about this stuff, she couldn't keep it pent up, that wasn't healthy! So she reached out to her old pal, me.

There were four guys over this period. While that may not seem like a lot, they dragged out for years. And I was there to hold her hand and give her advice even when I knew she sucking energy from me. She was feeding off of me like an energy tick. When I would try to end things she would guilt-trip me into continuing our “friendship” It was an easy thing to do, she knew my history as well as I did and she knew which buttons to push. I spent I don't know how many hours on-line, texting and PM-ing on facebook, hundreds and hundreds, at least.

My wife noticed it. She had met my friend on a couple of occasions, didn't much care for her. I told her all about what we were writing to each other about, and she told me early on, “You know she's using you, don't you? She is not a friend.”

I didn't listen, until I did.

She sent me a email from Costa Rica, informing me that she had Big News and wanted me to have a ringside seat. I knew what was coming, another hook-up that took on a life of it's own and she needed me to help her through it because hubby didn't want to hear about that shit.

After I read that email, something clicked inside me. What she was doing became crystal clear, and I was not going to have anything to do with it, or her anymore. I wrote an email, it took about three weeks to write it, not because it was emotionally hard, but because I had to word it in such a way that she would have no ability to lie to me. She would tell me the truth wither she wanted to or not. Even if she didn't realize that she was telling me the truth.

She responded. She was VERY guarded in her reply. I could see her working all the angles, trying to put this in the context of everything that had gone before. She had never gotten a letter like this from me and she was playing it cool until she could figure out which buttons to push to re-establish our “friendship”

My last reply was to inform her that everything I wanted to say was in that letter. Everything. I had nothing to add and there was not going to any discussion about it. There was nothing to discuss. I called her on her narcissism, on her using me, and I would never, ever give her a opportunity to pull that shit again.

That was five years ago and the few attempts she has made to contact me were deleted without opening. It is beyond too late for her to apologize. I will not listen to her lies anymore.
"Push something hard enough...and it will fall over."
Fudds First Law Of Opposition

“All art that is not mere storytelling or mere portraiture is symbolic...If you liberate a person or a landscape from the bonds of motives and their actions, causes and their effects...it will change under your eyes, and become a symbol of infinite emotion, a perfected emotion, a part of the Dark Divine Essence.”

William Butler Yeats

(The italicized word “dark” is my addition.)
H_Wright
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Akelta, you had it right when you talked about raising your vibrations and laughing your way through this. I remember right after you shared that web page that I tried this with my ex. He had me waiting in the Walmart parking lot for 45 minutes to get child support when he knew I was just taking a lunch break from work. I sat there the whole time working on my vibrations. He came up to my car with his wife laughing, singing, smiling and joking, actually dancing. He thought I was going to cause a scene. I laughed, joked, and sang with them. They were stunned silent and he actually had that temple throb thing going on when I left without rage as I usually have for about 2 days every time I am forced to be in contact with him. You got this!!! This man weighed me down for 20 years!! YOU GOT THIS!

This message is so classic narcissist and gas lighting. You see right through it. Leave it behind and go on! Shake off the energy, go take a cleansing bath, hell, make dirt (or snow) angels outside, hug a tree! Whatever you have to do to get this energy off of you and lift yourself up.
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Kore Serpens
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The languaging of this is so familiar that I don't need to read more then a couple of sentences to know to hang up immediately and turn away. It's poison.

When I was growing up someone, I can't remember who, used to always tell me that the 'apple doesn't roll far from the tree.'
How many are there within this community that have found their own path to healing because of your example, Akelta, and your kindness? Your very being speaks for itself and always will.
You are an inspiration and your truth and strength shines out.
I have been pondering false darkness, over the holidays. How false darkness is an energy carried by words and beliefs and that we carry this energy as thoughts when we are unable to discern our personal truth from falsehood.
It corrupts and takes our strength away and yet can fill us with a false sense of power. A false sense of self.
The less able we are to discern our own truth the more vulnerable we are to this false darkness. We constantly need to be lovingly looking after ourselves and making sure the "garbage" gets cleared out.
And that is not an easy thing, nor obvious thing, to learn. Nor is it something that a deceiver can teach.
I am very grateful to your person for all the work you do to help us find our truth and to stand in our own Light.


And the words of this unknown other (unknown to me) reeks of an energy that I grew up with and was soaked in until I can smell them a mile away. It too, speaks for itself.
"Good morning. I see the assassins have failed….”

“In the end it doesn't matter who or what you are - only that you've been embraced by all that you've become ... "
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laalbieglna
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The funny thing is, having dealt with an abusive, gaslighting narcissist myself, I don't even have to know you personally to "choose sides" -- like another poster said, I don't have to read more than a few sentences in to see a bullying, abusive, gaslighting horror of a narcissist lashing out at you when you pull the plug and raise yourself out of the mire. They are amazing -- the way they feed off of psychologically abusing and manipulating their victims is extraordinarily clear from how they react when you finally pull the plug, and even more so from how they react when you lose your fear of them and break that chain. Keep doing exactly what you're doing -- this person is powerless over you. All love and healing energies straight at you, Akelta. Thank you for sharing this. I suspect your example is going to help a lot of other people out of abusive relationships and onto a path of healing. :devillove:
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Passchendaele
Posts: 1012
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Your favourite Demon?: Beelzebub, Lucifer, Lord Satan, Marquess Marchosias
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Satan's Hellcat wrote:Yes, so embarrassing, but I fell for a narcissist HARD myself! He was a fake guru/fake savior/fake teacher type. He would leave me waiting and waiting for hours by the computer, waiting for him to call me by skype. If I didn't show he got rabid, but more often than not, he just never made it. He was deliberately wasting my time, disrespectful to me. When I protested, he was 'saving another person'. He would actually say to me 'can't you hear them screaming?' So I would forgive him. He would make another appointment, and I was paying him for these! One time I caught him off guard and found out he was out playing with the dogs! I was like a woman being physically abused...he would apologize, and he really was sorry! EVERY SINGLE TIME. Now, don't get me wrong, he really has some incredible abilities, which he uses to play people and suck them in. He claimed to love women, but I could tell he HATED them! There were three adult people in his house, and his daughter was always calling for money so they would not turn off his water or electric. GET A JOB, you and your wife and adult child! I don't mind helping someone....but they need to be someone who is trying to help themselves and has a plan to pay it back. He would start to teach me something, and just stop, saying "You are not ready for that" At one point I had 17 projects laying around half done. Costly materials, too! Grrrr! I was such an idiot! Years wasted: 12 total and he started using magick to control what I could read or do or think! Now I know how an abused wife feels after she has wasted most of her life on an idiot! When I finally touched the levels of the akashic, I started to really see what he was doing and his lies. He told me "that is not really the akashic, it is a lie and a trap." Yeah, right. It showed me what you really are, and I am STILL trying to get free! He did a LOT of magickal crap to me, and never explained it, or asked my permission. Some of it HURT, too :( Total jerk. I know some of you have been physically abused, but I was magickally and financially abused and he just sucked and sucked and sucked my money and energy down. Without a word of thanks, and when I needed help or encouragement? Ha! It was all about him. "don't bring me down talking about money or your troubles in life. You are SO negative!" Blah blah blah! :glaredevil: Bastard!
:devillove: :devillove: :grouphug: :hug:
"Push something hard enough...and it will fall over."
Fudds First Law Of Opposition

“All art that is not mere storytelling or mere portraiture is symbolic...If you liberate a person or a landscape from the bonds of motives and their actions, causes and their effects...it will change under your eyes, and become a symbol of infinite emotion, a perfected emotion, a part of the Dark Divine Essence.”

William Butler Yeats

(The italicized word “dark” is my addition.)
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Inanna
Posts: 299
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Your favourite Demon?: Lucifer, Azazel
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Eilana wrote:They always come back when you are about to rise. It's like they sense when you remove the hooks they left in your subconscious mind.

Akelta, you are one of the most beautiful, amazing and uplifting people I have ever met in my life. If not for you, I would still be in an abusive relationship with my ex who himself was a narcissist and tried to do the same shit when I left. Every time I spoke to you, you always helped me. You always inspired me. You always lifted me up when I felt my worst and I honestly think anyone who speaks to you probably feels the same sense of inspiration and empowerment. No one is perfect but you always strive to do your best and be your best and help everyone around you. You always push to improve and make things better and you will admit when you make mistakes and take responsibility for things. That is why S&S is what it is. That is why we have the community here that we have.
Eilana has done the same for me too, thank you both Akelta and Eilana for being such sweet and supportive friends!
Thou shalt know that all battles can be won through silence.
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