I got to the crypt and was happy to see Lady Vacra again. I recognized some of the dark hallways from before. We went down a corridor to encounter a unique situation.
I was happy and content in the area of complete and total darkness. It felt good, and I liked it. I was happy and at peace. I am at home in the darkness; I do not have the irrational fear of the dark that is typical of many humans. That irrational fear left me when I started on this path of Satanism.
I do not know who has done this meditation and who has not, so I won't say much. I do not want to spoil the unique situation. But, during the meditation I was asked about jealousy impacting my life and to consider it.
I can think of a time at a job once where one was jealous of me. I realized it and was cautious around them. I did not trust them. I eventually left that job and no longer needed to warily watch that person. I knew they were unpredictable and could cause me trouble if I was not careful.
I was reminded of another time quite some time ago I went to a club with my wife. Another man had made a pass at my wife via another woman who passed her the message in the ladies restroom. He wanted to buy her a drink and hang out with her. She told me about it, and she seemed surprised and happy at the new attention. I was bothered by her obliviousness to my discomfort. Also, I was horrified as I realized she seemed happy about it. I did not want to have my marriage torn apart, for I thought we were in a monogamous relationship. I made some excuse saying I wanted to go. As we left, she remarked how she liked it there and wanted to go back. I made a mental note to make sure we never went back so as to not be put in that situation again.
Looking back, I am grateful I did not act out of anger or do something else I would have later regretted in either situation.
That was a powerful meditation. Thank you.
"Will you spill the wine
to summon the divine?" Darkness at the Heart of my Love - Ghost
-- Wynd Runner --
The fact that she was comfortable enough with you to tell you what had happened should tell you something. When my GF was around, I didn't dare say "Hi" to a co-worker in the grocery store (let alone anything like that) because I knew there was a strong possibility of starting a huge fight that could last for days.
Also, it's not unusual for women in their 40's to wonder if they can still attract a man. That doesn't mean they're likely to do anything about it but confirming that they're still attractive is nice. What you choose to do about it is your thing, but I see no issue here.
The first step in working miracles is realizing that you can.
-- Wynd Runner --
The fact that she was comfortable enough with you to tell you what had happened should tell you something. When my GF was around, I didn't dare say "Hi" to a co-worker in the grocery store (let alone anything like that) because I knew there was a strong possibility of starting a huge fight that could last for days.
Also, it's not unusual for women in their 40's to wonder if they can still attract a man. That doesn't mean they're likely to do anything about it but confirming that they're still attractive is nice. What you choose to do about it is your thing, but I see no issue here.
Yes, true.
I remember it was when she told me later she said she wanted to go back that I was especially bothered . LOL Previous to our relationship, I had been cheated on. So, I was a little sensitive. I was not in a place to be able to talk it out with her then.
Overall, I think I handled it well. I did not start any arguments, did not say snarky things, or do anything else like that.
That was then, quite some time ago. Things are good now.
"Will you spill the wine
to summon the divine?" Darkness at the Heart of my Love - Ghost
During countdown and following Lady Sacra I felt heavy energies in my heartchakra. I stepped into this memory. The energies started hurting me in my heartchakra, abdominal chakras and in my rootchakra blockades. I felt sorrow and sadness. It was not so easy to handle...
Jalousy, I try to avoid anything with this. At last waive is an option. I had a past life experience, I knew this from Akasha Reading and past life regression via hypnosis.
It was in the 14th. century. I was busy in healing using herbs. The feudal lord offered me a job. But a male bader and medicus was jalous. He mobilized a mob, saying I am a witch. The mob hanged me.
In this lifetime I have problems with my neck vertebrals. I understand this, to serve a feudal lord means to survive in these hard time. But energetically I have problems in my rootchakra and I do not know how to solve this....
Most thoughts of how jealousy impacted my life has to do with spending time with jealous people with sharp words. It's just words and not action, but even words have a way of altering a person's path.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
This was very difficult. As I enter the meditation I have intense pain in my solar plexus and feel nauseous. The pain continues and then merges into my abdomen. A crystal energy approaches from the right which moves to my left side and becomes a beautiful cat-eyed woman with pink and blue eyes. We lock eyes as Lady Sacra begins speaking and I feel crushing pain in my heart chakra.
As we begin moving down the hallway My crystal cat-woman has shifted into a black cat which feels childlike. I sense that it’s my dark child masked and her tail is swishing happily.
…..
I feel grief at the memory of Lord V’s rage/pain and his wife’s injury. It leaves a strange feeling in my body. I have a memory rise unbidden, someone’s face that brings the ugly recall of betrayal and loss of trust.
When I’m asked
when have I experienced a similar emotion ?
a memory rises from the Tempest demon festival meditations. It’s from the night of eternal death; My sacred child dressed in black, is standing on the cliff’s edge with death witches , and the wind is blowing so hard threatening to tear the black raven from its perch on a small black tree.
From straight out of the memory She stares directly at me and says,
‘I have. ‘
I stare at her, shocked by what I’m realizing. I hadn’t grasped the true meaning of her being on the cliff with the witches at the time.
I ask her if that is the reason for what she has become, for joining the death witches.
She nods once. “Vengeance. It is for vengeance.”
I stare back at her. I ask her, what did you lose? what did we loose?
“You. “. She says.
“I lost my relationship to you….( to myself)“.
I am overcome with grief….
The look on her face, her coldness, is so real and it comes from my child self which makes it seem even more real. My early years I avoided such poisonous emotions and encounters with those, mainly my family, that cause such harm.
And in the turmoil of seeking healing for one aspect of myself, I overlooked another. I lost connection to something within so dear and near to my heart. I understood my rage born of hurt…. But seen through a child’s eyes, and realizing her loss again ….. that is far worse, and it is humbling.
My rage ended up becoming an indifference toward a vulnerable and needy aspect of my own being. And that rage took my feet right back along the path that I survived as a child at the hands of others. I didn’t see how I hurt myself. I saw only the price I had paid…. Not what I would pay again if I continued down this path.
That’s not jealousy…. but the root of all the destruction was definitely jealousy and hatred aimed at me. And I didn’t respond with tenderness toward myself. I didn’t mother my own self.
I knew these lessons as a child.
And I know that every choice has a consequence - A price to pay. That is why the saying: Know Thy Self, is one of the most powerful lessons in Life. I know this.
In my thirst for vengeance I lost connection with that deeper truer aspect
which is also, tender, and able to transform negative into positive.
I’m about to end when I suddenly recall a small bit at the very ending
of the meditation that I’d forgotten.
I’m leaving. My dark child on my left. My arms are wrapped around her as we walk. I realize that Ive never been held this way by a family member. But I was held this way once by a dear older woman who gave me the sacred gift of mothering one day long ago.
And as I’m remembering it, my sacred child (the child from the Cliffs) appears on my right. We are leaving the Crypt. She smiles up at me and tells me that “there’s been a development.”
I repeat her words. A development?
She smiles and nods. “ A new development.”
She looks happy. She scoots around me and grabs her dark sisters hand and they kiss each other. And my arms are wrapped around both my girls, my sacred children, as we leave the Crypt.
"Good morning. I see the assassins have failed….”
”In the end it doesn't matter who or what you are - only that you've been embraced by all that you've become ... "
Betrayal. Just when you think that everything will turn out all right. You think you are safe and amongst friends. How could you have been so wrong?
What were they jealous of? That you had those you loved and cherished to mobilize the exodus to safety? That you did what they could not? That you had what they did not? And their jealousy stole that away in an instant. Hard won freedom has now become a prison. Easy enough to see from the outside. But embroiled in the moment and reliving it over and over again, trying to see how you let that betrayal happen. The signs that were there, if only you'd seen them. A word, a glance. Meaningless at the time but in hindsight, so telling of how blind you were to their covert hostility.
And how insulting, that they stripped you of any credit due, that they could not see how you worked for everything, content to stew in their resentment of your success, skills, talent, and ability. How it could be, would be, theirs if not for your bothersome existence. You were the problem, not them. Now, they don't care, because they're dead. Death was too good for them. But it's not too late. You've just discovered exactly how they need to feel for the rest of their existence. That might be enough. There's Jealousy. And then, there's Justice.
This is why the Mantis Shrimp is my new favorite animal,
because in the presence of such extraordinary light and beauty it embraces DARKNESS, It extolsDEATHwith the luminescent brilliance of a DYING STAR
. . . The Mantis Shrimp is the harbinger of blood-soaked rainbows
This meditation was quite intense. I loved being in the dark crypt. It was lovely to see Lady Sacra again. The memory I saw as I found the orb took me by surprise, I was not expecting to be let in on any secrets this early. Hmmm from what I gather, the mad demon was jealous of Lord Volekus position of power that he wish he had for himself! Maybe projecting his own insecurities? Lord Volekus feelings are justified and he deserves to have his revenge. I think jealousy is just a small piece of the puzzle that has harmed her family.
Jealousy is such an overrated excuse in my opinion.
Of course, maybe I am just naïve to it when I am on the reciprocating end of it? I KNOW when I am jealous of another person, yet for whatever reason, I seem to lack awareness of how often jealousy can manifest in different areas of life. This includes finding out that others can get jealous of me.
Maybe this is something I need to work on? Looking back, I am now aware that lots of people were jealous and threatened by things I had that they didn't, or things they assumed I had based on surface appearances alone. Nobody ever even tried to get to KNOW me, it was disgusting and it made me quite sad. However, I have now learned to not care about them. I think, when used in the right way, jealousy can inspire us to get what we want on our own terms, rather than mess up someone's life to acquire what we seek, but how often does that happen in life?
The Crypt meditations have been intense and also disconnecting. I've floated from numb, deaf & blind over to fully engaged with clear astral senses.
For meditation 2, Pazuzu and Mutilation Halloween Y traveled with me as well as The I Man who moved around alot & seemed more involved & interested in me & my condition than the actual events happening.
It was somewhat of a shock to realize I had to be in the dark tomb-y place by myself. Remembering I should only encounter memories, I felt reassured & took note of fact all 4 demons would be on other side of door.
I also realized I have so many questions about my newest companion V from the Crypt realms.....all in a state of floating between silence and numbness to clear senses. And then she was there, peering at Lady Sacra & then I felt a touch a hug-like warmth and an understanding she's around but it's different.
All of this taking a toll on my mind, body, heart.
When the memories came, the story almost felt banal, to use a great word from Akelta! Again, the numb state moving to clear & present....I caught everything but also didn't.
And so....
I've allowed time to pass before writing. In the meanwhile I've focused on letting go of the external world which bears down on me heavily. And turning instead to demons to inspire and guide me. Allowing myself to express outwardly & to relax.
To circle back, here is how the piece of family history showed to me & that percolated thru while i waited to write:
(Metophorically speaking....) the jealousy which gave rise to vengeance planted a poisoning seed into the new Crypt Lord, Lady Sacra's father. The poison = the concept that naiveté and patience and openness will lead surely to destruction. When these are not facets of the self to scorn, rather they are pieces of the self that open the heart and allow love to continue its impacts. There just has to be balance and a mindful wakefulness vs complete turning away or a complete opening up. And also a continuing along the path of maturity which is fluid and unceasing. We must learn from our mistakes and propel forward with the bends in the stream. Even when we just broke the boat....
To keep vigilant from further mutiny, Lady Sacra's father closed all of them off from external sources. This certainly cannot continue indefinitely without huge negative repercussions.
And my own story...which is why this event has included alot of numbness. The children's father, the displaced emotions including jealousy & vengeance...all leaking into them. And now, how many years have passed while the crap stays in them and the hard lines harden....
