The Sludge of the Toxic Narcissist

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Eilana
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Inanna wrote:
Eilana wrote:They always come back when you are about to rise. It's like they sense when you remove the hooks they left in your subconscious mind.

Akelta, you are one of the most beautiful, amazing and uplifting people I have ever met in my life. If not for you, I would still be in an abusive relationship with my ex who himself was a narcissist and tried to do the same shit when I left. Every time I spoke to you, you always helped me. You always inspired me. You always lifted me up when I felt my worst and I honestly think anyone who speaks to you probably feels the same sense of inspiration and empowerment. No one is perfect but you always strive to do your best and be your best and help everyone around you. You always push to improve and make things better and you will admit when you make mistakes and take responsibility for things. That is why S&S is what it is. That is why we have the community here that we have.
Eilana has done the same for me too, thank you both Akelta and Eilana for being such sweet and supportive friends!
You're so very welcome Inanna and thank you :hug: I am so proud of you for taking the steps and getting yourself out. You deserve so much better <333
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Akelta
Goddess of the Void
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Thank you so much guys for your supportive messages. This has been so healing for me. I have had my range of emotions, but it has been so healing. At the end of the day I am stepping back into my power and reclaiming myself fully. This is one thing I love about this path and S&S I can have those moments when I am raw and Vulnerable. I can open up and express the pains and trials of my own journey. This is one of the beautiful things about this community.

@ Eilana...Thank you so much for this Eilana. You have such a beautiful way with words and this speaks to me so much. To anyone who has been in this situation they all deserve to live their lives empowered without having these people try to hurt and abuse them. Thank you so much. You know I guess that was the biggest fear, that everyone would believe this, even though so much of it is untrue and untrue to the point I can easily prove it! This person didn't train me at all, that they would try to take credit for that is mind blowing. That was a block I had to get over, worrying that people would believe what people said about me. At the end of the day you cannot control what other people do or say, you can only be yourself and those who align with your energies they will see who I am. I can only control me. This actually was a ridiculously empowering moment for me.

@Passchendaele.. Omg that sounds horrible! It is good that you got out of that situation. I know what you mean about how insidious these people are and how they throw hooks out to try to get back into your life. The best thing is to completely ignore them, block them and move on with your life. It so amazing how destructive they can be and I am glad that you were able to break away to. It's so subtle, I just knew things were wrong then when I realized I didn't want to be in this situation I was already sinking. mMy husband, my sister, my mom they all noticed the changed in my behaviour, how I became withdrawn and sunken. It was my mom who called the whole situation, she saw how this person was talking to me and she told me flat out I had to get away from her because that behaviour was not right. I am glad you were able to get away too.
H_Wright wrote:Akelta, you had it right when you talked about raising your vibrations and laughing your way through this. I remember right after you shared that web page that I tried this with my ex. He had me waiting in the Walmart parking lot for 45 minutes to get child support when he knew I was just taking a lunch break from work. I sat there the whole time working on my vibrations. He came up to my car with his wife laughing, singing, smiling and joking, actually dancing. He thought I was going to cause a scene. I laughed, joked, and sang with them. They were stunned silent and he actually had that temple throb thing going on when I left without rage as I usually have for about 2 days every time I am forced to be in contact with him. You got this!!! This man weighed me down for 20 years!! YOU GOT THIS!

This message is so classic narcissist and gas lighting. You see right through it. Leave it behind and go on! Shake off the energy, go take a cleansing bath, hell, make dirt (or snow) angels outside, hug a tree! Whatever you have to do to get this energy off of you and lift yourself up.
Thank you so much H. That is awesome that you were able to raise your vibration and totally shift the outcome! I can imagine the look on his face as you took your power back from the situation, that is awesome! That is exactly it and I am wiser for this. I am moving forward staying in high vibrational energies no matter what people say and do I am just going to be me and raise my state. Yeah I look at it now and am like.. this actually would have worked??? It is nice to see how fare I have come from the girl who was scared of this. You know one thing about me I admit when I crumble. It is all part of this path and walking the LHP, it is part of releasing yourself from the prisons of this world because we are taught we have to be strong and perfect, but it is through our imperfections, and those moments where we trip and fall that true connections are made. I have been having a lot of cleansing baths, they are really nice. I am so ready to take this year with high vibrational empowered energies. I feel like this was a final hook I had to just rip out of me to soar. Now I can be free.
Cor Serpentis wrote:The languaging of this is so familiar that I don't need to read more then a couple of sentences to know to hang up immediately and turn away. It's poison.

When I was growing up someone, I can't remember who, used to always tell me that the 'apple doesn't roll far from the tree.'
How many are there within this community that have found their own path to healing because of your example, Akelta, and your kindness? Your very being speaks for itself and always will.
You are an inspiration and your truth and strength shines out.
I have been pondering false darkness, over the holidays. How false darkness is an energy carried by words and beliefs and that we carry this energy as thoughts when we are unable to discern our personal truth from falsehood.
It corrupts and takes our strength away and yet can fill us with a false sense of power. A false sense of self.
The less able we are to discern our own truth the more vulnerable we are to this false darkness. We constantly need to be lovingly looking after ourselves and making sure the "garbage" gets cleared out.
And that is not an easy thing, nor obvious thing, to learn. Nor is it something that a deceiver can teach.
I am very grateful to your person for all the work you do to help us find our truth and to stand in our own Light.


And the words of this unknown other (unknown to me) reeks of an energy that I grew up with and was soaked in until I can smell them a mile away. It too, speaks for itself.
Thank you so much Cor, your words are so powerful and so healing. It is poison, I completely agree. What you speak of false darkness here is so true. It is so true we need to love ourselves and challenge the labels that others would like to place on us. This is to me the trials of Lucifer, one who fell so far into the darkness, to be villianized and shunned, but to find his truth, find the light that was inside of him all along. It is wisdom this dark journey. Where you find and embrace yourself on a completely new level, a level where you become untouchable. You know yourself so well that no one can place a false label on you.

If anything I will use this to be more of myself, to allow myself to be more vulnerable and show those sides that can be so easily hidden. I want to help more people to rise and get out of these situations and use my own experience. You know I was naive not from lack of reading, but from lack of experience, You have to have your world destroyed and your soul crushed to be able to help others. To be able to show others there is a way out and that there is hope. This experience gave me that. I have experienced fear, pain, sorrow, suffering and from it I hope I can help other. Thank you again.
laalbieglna wrote:The funny thing is, having dealt with an abusive, gaslighting narcissist myself, I don't even have to know you personally to "choose sides" -- like another poster said, I don't have to read more than a few sentences in to see a bullying, abusive, gaslighting horror of a narcissist lashing out at you when you pull the plug and raise yourself out of the mire. They are amazing -- the way they feed off of psychologically abusing and manipulating their victims is extraordinarily clear from how they react when you finally pull the plug, and even more so from how they react when you lose your fear of them and break that chain. Keep doing exactly what you're doing -- this person is powerless over you. All love and healing energies straight at you, Akelta. Thank you for sharing this. I suspect your example is going to help a lot of other people out of abusive relationships and onto a path of healing. :devillove:
Thank you so much laalbieglna, that is actually something I am realizing, there are lots of other people who have gone through this and understand. I really at one time thought I was alone and had no support, I think that is one of the ways they retain so much control over their victims. I really hope it helps others to break free of their situations and realize that they are not alone. It actually has gotten easier since this. Thank you again!
Inanna wrote:Eilana has done the same for me too, thank you both Akelta and Eilana for being such sweet and supportive friends!
Hugs you! You are very welcome and I agree with Eilana, you do deserve so much better!
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H_Wright
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I hope you don't mind me butting in, but had to share about my run in with my abuser this weekend. I called and demanded money giving him the choice when I picked it up, Friday night or Saturday. He kept telling me he doesn't have it, that I have to wait. I told him that wasn't an option so he told me to come on Friday night for a partial payment. When I got there he opened the door with that maniacal laugh that I know he uses as intimidation, which made me laugh. He then proceeded to verbally poke, provoke, push and shove trying so hard for me to make my move in front of his wife, and it eventually ALMOST worked. I tried so hard to get out the door but not before I had to catch myself, with his wife's help, making a run for him physically.

The funny thing was that I had a message from the wife when I got home apologizing for how SHE reacted. I don't even know what she's talking about. I was so enraged by him that I think I blocked her out. I knew he did this intentionally to show her how HE was victimized by ME all those years, and I know she helped stop me. I actually think she saw it for what it was. At least I hope so so she doesn't put up with it for as long as I did.

The good thing is that these things usually return me to an ugly darkness for days afterwards, but I was okay by the time I got home. I didn't take it home with me. That is true tangible growth.
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Akelta
Goddess of the Void
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Joined: Mon Dec 24, 2012 12:08 am
Patron Deities: Satan, Lucifer, Mammon, Azazel, Andras, Paimon, Leviathan, Unsere, The Family
Your favourite Demon?: Tiger, High Prince H, Bear, Oblivion, Quasar, Prince V, Venom, Cadaver, My Family
Number of Demon Familiars: 66
Location: Canada
Has thanked: 226 times
Been thanked: 368 times
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H_Wright wrote:I hope you don't mind me butting in, but had to share about my run in with my abuser this weekend. I called and demanded money giving him the choice when I picked it up, Friday night or Saturday. He kept telling me he doesn't have it, that I have to wait. I told him that wasn't an option so he told me to come on Friday night for a partial payment. When I got there he opened the door with that maniacal laugh that I know he uses as intimidation, which made me laugh. He then proceeded to verbally poke, provoke, push and shove trying so hard for me to make my move in front of his wife, and it eventually ALMOST worked. I tried so hard to get out the door but not before I had to catch myself, with his wife's help, making a run for him physically.

The funny thing was that I had a message from the wife when I got home apologizing for how SHE reacted. I don't even know what she's talking about. I was so enraged by him that I think I blocked her out. I knew he did this intentionally to show her how HE was victimized by ME all those years, and I know she helped stop me. I actually think she saw it for what it was. At least I hope so so she doesn't put up with it for as long as I did.

The good thing is that these things usually return me to an ugly darkness for days afterwards, but I was okay by the time I got home. I didn't take it home with me. That is true tangible growth.
I don't mind at all, please anyone feel free to vent and talk about your own experiences here. Honestly, I wrote this post to help others, and if this helps you to speak what happened to you then please do. I find that sharing experiences helps others who are in these experiences to realize patterns and get out themselves.

Just by how you word this I can see the things he did to you, like how we have to constantly be on guard and always watching, it is so stressful and horrible what they do to us. One thing about being through it, you can see it, you can see through another narcissists bullshit and also you can see how they try to intimidate their victim. Omg, that laugh too.. and how he tried to intimidate you. It is good that you held your ground but I know how hard it is sometimes to take the high road. Because the second you slip they play up the victim role. I will tell you something, one thing I had to work with is paranoia of everything I say and do not being able to be twisted and thrown against me. Since that is impossible it puts one in a state where they are scared of everything they say coming back to them. Releasing that one was very hard but necessary.

When I left this person originally I remember Mammon and Azazel flat out telling me I had to prepare to be the villain and I had to prepare to be the bad guy, and that I had to be ok with it and know that the truth was going to come out one day. That is interesting about his wife, I hope that she is seeing things too and beginning to see the truth of it. I hope she gets out too, being in that situation myself you end up loosing yourself and becoming an extension of the narcissist, I really hope she sees it and get outs herself, no one deserves to live like that.
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Akelta wrote:I don't mind at all, please anyone feel free to vent and talk about your own experiences here. Honestly, I wrote this post to help others, and if this helps you to speak what happened to you then please do. I find that sharing experiences helps others who are in these experiences to realize patterns and get out themselves.

Just by how you word this I can see the things he did to you, like how we have to constantly be on guard and always watching, it is so stressful and horrible what they do to us. One thing about being through it, you can see it, you can see through another narcissists bullshit and also you can see how they try to intimidate their victim. Omg, that laugh too.. and how he tried to intimidate you. It is good that you held your ground but I know how hard it is sometimes to take the high road. Because the second you slip they play up the victim role. I will tell you something, one thing I had to work with is paranoia of everything I say and do not being able to be twisted and thrown against me. Since that is impossible it puts one in a state where they are scared of everything they say coming back to them. Releasing that one was very hard but necessary.

When I left this person originally I remember Mammon and Azazel flat out telling me I had to prepare to be the villain and I had to prepare to be the bad guy, and that I had to be ok with it and know that the truth was going to come out one day. That is interesting about his wife, I hope that she is seeing things too and beginning to see the truth of it. I hope she gets out too, being in that situation myself you end up loosing yourself and becoming an extension of the narcissist, I really hope she sees it and get outs herself, no one deserves to live like that.
They wiggle their way into that victim roll so effortlessly, for a while. The one thing I realized is that unknowingly I protected him all those years. I didn't want people to see HIM, maybe as a way of not appearing weak myself. Since he no longer has me to protect him, and his new wife not yet figuring out how, his true self is being revealed. This is also why he sought out a new relationship so quickly. If he is married and I am single, surely I am the problem in the relationship right? He found the perfect victim. She broke up with him 3 times before he proposed and she accepted. She had been in a 5 year relationship where the guy refused to marry her and she was so desperate to be married she jumped at the proposal. She knows, deep down, but is not willing to accept it yet. At the same time I'm selfishly glad because even though I still have times that contact is necessary because of the kids, I have stopped all unnecessary contact and he has a new victim to focus on.
BLand
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Yeah, this message she sent you makes a lot of sense. Oddly, I was cleaning up some stuff this weekend and this very post hopped out to me after blocking my narc ex. You can read the poison in the first sentence of the line, and seeing as I have dealt with her personally, I know her whole website was a stolen replica of your work. So happy you openly shared the e-mails. I actually came across S&S through her as I told you many times before, as soon as I ordered from you, I knew she had pinched all your work.

Akelta, you are one of the nicest ladies I know and you have helped me heal from nothing. Clauneck brought me to you because he told me that you would help me, so did two other shadow demons. I credit a large part of my business success and my love life to you. You are so lovely <3
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klaudia.l
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Oh this really sounds like my current flatmate.. thank god she's moving out soon...
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Bump. This is a pretty important post. I think one that we can relate to.

I have always wondered what exactly the entity was/is on my narcissist. I plan on reviewing the replies in more depth. I also found the following interview by Akelta on Sludge entities. I haven't had a chance to watch it yet but will do shortly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCMQseoHzSg
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Thalam
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[...]but I fell for a narcissist HARD myself! He was a fake guru/fake savior/fake teacher type.
This explains everything! I fell for a narcissist teacher and practitioner type. She messed up my life. I was so attached to her that it still surprises me till this day. Wasting my time, requesting money, creating fake problems and scenarios, and telling me about myself and forcing to believe her. This went on for years.
Because of her I stopped being a spirit companion, she convinced me it was the wrong path and such entities don’t exist when in reality she deals with entities herself! She just didn’t want my money to go elsewhere but her pocket.
She really made things worse and flared my mental illness while offering alternative healing sessions. Of course she was against going to the hospital and getting diagnosed.
It’s hard to explain how much of control she had over me. But I guess if you’ve been with a narcissist, you’ll understand.

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