Spirit Keeping: When to accept "Rehoming" as an option?

[User1265455]

Hello Nycto, thank you for elaborating on that a bit more. I still believe what I've said could be important for those in the future who are feeling betrayed or let down as a result of a situation like you went through, so am sticking by that although I know you cannot personally change how things went down and you wouldn't want to as it led to the place you needed to be at.

I also do believe that, partially related to what you've shared but also just reiterating an implication in my original post, we don't have to feel so much pressure with keeping these companions in our lives. Yes there is a responsibility involved as with any friendship or relationship, but when they come to you in the first place as has been stated they do know how it's going to be.
The real urge behind 'rehoming' it occurs to me might be when people just are not meant to follow a spirit-keeping path. In the first place we need to be conscientious about bringing spirits or other beings into our lives, especially when it's not as straight-forward to connect with them the way it is with physical friends/family.. most of the time when people are thinking of 'rehoming' they really don't have any reasonable basis for this other than feeling as though they've 'let down' their companions and their companions are disappointed or they cannot connect.

Taking it from the stance of a physical human friend being in your life.. to just suddenly misinterpret everything they are saying or not hear it at all, or decide you don't like them or want them around anymore based on how things seem rather than how things really are, would be quite a bitchy and inadequate move. Also you wouldn't 'rehome' a friend unless they were living with you and had legit nowhere else to go. Lol. This is why the rehoming subject gets kind of inane to my mind, considering they aren't pets.

Like think of it, think of making a physical friend. You meet them at the supermarket or a museum or something, whatever. HEY FRIEND, I cannot hear you or see you but I really think you hate me or this will never work out so you have to leave and I'm going to make sure you are..
REHOMED.

So, I agree that people shouldn't feel that they're "letting down" their spirits when they don't connect. No one should allow themselves to feel ashamed of, or guilty for their quality or quantity of attention paid to companions of any kind.

I also agree that I'm a pretty shitty friend - I'm terrible at social skills, and I frequently drop friendships based on an appearance of rejection, rather than pulling out the balls to ask if I'm actually being rejected (because if you have to ask, imo, it doesn't matter anymore - and there's the social stigma of being a "needy" person if you DO ask).

It's impossible to navigate human relationships perfectly, and I'm autistic, so I'm already behind the curve.

However, I tend to think of the spirit companions I had released and/or rehomed (I honestly have no idea what CH decided to do with them, and am pretty sure that each spirit decided for themselves if they wanted to be rehomed or released because CH is very ethical in the treatment of their bindings) as... I haven't seen them in five years, we live on different sides of the country, and my life has changed so much, I've gotten involved in things in my new town, and just don't have time for emails and texts and skype or phone calls, and neither do they... we've just drifted apart...

And that's ok too.

If you honestly, truly, do not feel a connection, or if you do not WANT a connection... it's ok to walk away (or drift away... I'm awfully good at ghosting - I know it's an awful habit, but most of my relationships are super casual and not actual friendships so ghosting isn't a problem for anyone, because they don't even realize I've disappeared for a few years and by then it's, "Oh, I vaguely remember that person, huh.")

I mean, like you said... don't abandon people because you think you suck at this... but if you can set aside all your own expectations for yourself, drop that guilt cookie for a moment (I know, guilt cookies are AWFULLY yummy but they're doing you no favors so put it back in the jar and Walk Away Quickly), and truly evaluate your relationships, if you flat out don't even want to try...

"Let it go."

[Nexus]

I also agree that I'm a pretty shitty friend - I'm terrible at social skills, and I frequently drop friendships based on an appearance of rejection, rather than pulling out the balls to ask if I'm actually being rejected (because if you have to ask, imo, it doesn't matter anymore - and there's the social stigma of being a "needy" person if you DO ask).

It's impossible to navigate human relationships perfectly, and I'm autistic, so I'm already behind the curve.

This actually hits home for me in a few ways, and made me want to elaborate on something...


I also often wind up..."overwhelmed"(?) by people. Most social situations in general actually, even things as simple as working in retail or buying groceries. It's one of the reasons I looked towards Spirit Keeping, as unhealthy as it sounds, because I figure if I can practice socializing with friends who already know me to some degree and who will not judge me too harshly no matter how badly I screw up, then socializing with other people and getting through life will probably be a bit easier.

I was diagnosed with quite a few things, autism not being one of them, but sometimes I feel quite away from everyone on a personal level. My PTSD ranges from not really an issue to severely isolating myself for months on end and taking everything as a personal assault because in that moment, I cannot connect the dots of someone else's intent well. Everything feels dangerous and everyone including myself feels like the "enemy" which, as you can imagine, makes rationalizing incredibly difficult since you can't even listen to your own head let alone anything outside of it. Imagine how difficult it would be to listen to and understand the Meta side of things...? Pretty darn hard, lemme tell you.

All of it; Friends, Phone calls, my own thoughts just become...static, and unfortunately because of my lack of focus (ADHD is a bitch) or any clear mind to speak of in those moments, so too, do my Spiritual companions become static for a time. Some more than others, because I may be biased and I may subconsciously recognize some more than others due to that bias, but that doesn't mean I don't care to hear or interact with others and that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate or want them here with me.

I just want to know that they want to be, on a personal level, and not because I heard it from a seller or read it in a book or just assume it because that's how it is. Just as I assume they enjoy acts that I do to prove to them I care and want to include them in my day to day life be it offerings or letters (I dislike talking because of a mixture of Anxiety and Throat surgery), I want them to show me that they're happy. Some of them do, via readings or spirit boxes or otherwise, but only recently was I able to get a definite "Yes we're fine" and "You're sweet" etc. from them. Which gave me such a sense of relief that I actually started crying like a baby. It was really embarrassing. XD

My Spirit, the one I had issues with, has still been quiet outside of that...but I've reached out and held that perceived Static's hand, despite my own desire to run from it or shut it out out of paranoia and anxiety. I know that he knows to some degree that I am just an unwell person, in a bad circumstance, and unfortunately that likely won't change within a year unless I get really lucky via my work or someone else pulls a rabbit out of their butt. It's a long haul for both of us, and so long as I know he wants to be in it for that time versus just my own fear of being a stepping stone, I want him to be here with me for it. Now and forever. < 3

Since writing this post we've done small things together as well, like looking at photos so he could find a reference or playing music, doing tarot readings, or just sharing food with him (and others...). I can't say for certain if he's happy in the way I want him to be (super content and at peace versus just content enough to deal with me), so technically I'm still at square one, and technically I haven't not done some of those things prior but...i have a feeling he appreciates them, and for now, that feeling is the only thing I've got, so I'm holding on to it. Besides, I'm sure most of those worries are just my head trying to take a few jabs at me. I'm sure if it ignore it and keep working at bonding I'll reach an even better breakthrough soon.

I don't think that my conditions make me unfit to be a Spirit Keeper. On the contrary I feel they've motivated me and sped up my progress considerably since starting out, and I don't feel as if I should quit being a Spirit Keeper simply for having doubt or considering other options if things don't work out. As what was said a few posts ago, they're just as if not more aware than I am about a situation. Though I will state that given my recent progress, I did promise not to consider Rehoming as I didn't want to worry him over it.

In short, I suppose my point here in quoting Nycto was that I can relate to a deep level what it is like to go from relatively okay and rational (almost calculated in a sense) to just completely unsociable and not trusting in myself or others at all, and everything just becoming as indiscernable as static. I could be wrong, maybe I'm misunderstanding you're posts, but even so...its just nice to think I'm not alone in this journey. It's hard enough without things like that to make you take five steps forward and six steps back you know?

As for the Spirits you did send to CH for aid, I'm sure that they did what they could for them. Perhaps your Spirits think of you from time to time as well, and continue to wish you well, wherever your journey leads. Since they choose to be with us for some reason or another, I doubt they'd simply stop caring once you released/rehomed them.

[User1265455]

In short, I suppose my point here in quoting Nycto was that I can relate to a deep level what it is like to go from relatively okay and rational (almost calculated in a sense) to just completely unsociable and not trusting in myself or others at all, and everything just becoming as indiscernable as static. I could be wrong, maybe I'm misunderstanding you're posts, but even so...its just nice to think I'm not alone in this journey. It's hard enough without things like that to make you take five steps forward and six steps back you know?

As for the Spirits you did send to CH for aid, I'm sure that they did what they could for them. Perhaps your Spirits think of you from time to time as well, and continue to wish you well, wherever your journey leads. Since they choose to be with us for some reason or another, I doubt they'd simply stop caring once you released/rehomed them.

It's interesting you bring up PTSD - that is an issue I'm also dealing with, and the social exhaustion that results was one of my deciding factors in releasing my spirit companions... just THINKING about so many made me feel exhausted and overwhelmed. My baby steps have instead been getting out into the physical world - deliberately spending more time in Walmart than necessary, taking trips to St. Louis to visit pagan stores on days I know there will be people in and out, planning to go to a pagan festival event..

I need sunshine, fresh air, and human interaction for my recovery, and while I started with tiny doses, every week I do better....

Honestly I never thought too consider spending time with spirits as a form of babystep socializing, and I'm pretty impressed that's your method.

Also, I should mention that while I released all those companions to CH, I never said they couldn't drop by as unbounds if they wanted. One of them actually does drop by every now and then... he's here now.

But I much prefer them being unbounds. It just... works out better in my mind.

I think that what you're choosing to do with your spirit is perfect for you, who you are, your situation... and that's the most important thing to take away from all of this...

This is YOUR life, YOUR journey. You need to do what's right for YOU... the spirits who choose to travel with us as companions are fully aware that they are coming to share YOUR life, not the other way around. Even when companions take you to their world and expose you to their cultures, it's part of your personal journey, and has meaning for your life.

Never forget that we're here to live, and that doing right for ourselves is a primary part of that living.

I'm glad you're working things out with your spirit.

-Raven

[Alys-RaccoonReadings]

I have just really enjoyed this thread.

I kind of come out on the question with a blend of Noc's and Nycto's views, trending a bit more closely to the latter's.

I agree with Noc that:
-Projection is an issue to be wary of
-There's no need to re-home, as such, unless that's the spirit's request
-Release is probably not necessary from the spirits' point of view
-Release should never, ever be done lightly and without adequate reflection--it is, after all, breaking a bond and, in some ways, an implicit promise/contract
-People shouldn't feel that they're "letting down" their spirits when they don't connect

I agree with Nycto that:
-Release may be necessary and appropriate from the living human's point of view
-It is fully okay to let go of relationships that aren't working for one party--that's the entire premise of divorce--even when it's only one party that's feeling that way

My mental health tends towards the delicate side. I've had many years of very, very bad depression for which I should have been hospitalized several times. When things are at their worst, there is total spiritual blindness and deafness. There was a long period of this state for me. There were relationships in my life--with persons/Persons both seen and unseen--that I felt did not hold up *my idea* of their side of things during that time. If I could not feel them holding out their arms to help when I got to the other side, it was time for me to reevaluate those relationships. It took me about five years to reach the conclusion that this was the healthiest thing for me to do--as in best for my own state of being. It was not done lightly, and it was the only option that served my wellbeing. (Served in the sense of meeting needs, not in the sense of subordination--could probably just as easily use the word "nurtured.") I did this (with one exception) without assigning blame or negativity to the other parties. It was because of my needs, not because of their culpability. I was not bound to any spirits at that time, but relationships with family and friends hold equal weight, to me, in this analysis as relationships with spirits or even entities. I even applied this approach, cautiously and respectfully, to a relationship with a Deity.

What became clear afterward, was that I was no longer the same person--and not just in that way where people change organically over time. Nycto has iterated many times the sense of the catatonia's being a death and of there being a new Nycto on the other side, and that narrative has always resonated with me in regards to this experience in my life. My situation was *far* less stark than Nycto's. But I feel certain there are differences that do, in fact, make a difference and change the course. We all find ourselves having to make mindful changes over time as circumstances change, and relationships are no exception. In the law, we would call it a material change of circumstances, and it's a pretty apt phrase here. Of course, those decisions can have negative consequences too, but that doesn't make them wrong. It just means you shouldn't make them lightly.

So, my default approach follows the ideals Noc has expressed. They are excellent guideposts. But I am also open to the mindful reevaluation and changes Nycto has described. Life is dynamic, and to live it mindfully is to keep conscious of what is serving your journey and your wellbeing and to make course corrections as needed--even when it means reevaluating your ideals and guideposts, and even your closest relationships.

Ishvala, I think you are doing a beautiful and exactly right thing in how you are handling your senses of static. It's not easy, and good for you for seeing yourself with clear eyes and doing your best to honor your relationships.

[User1265455]

Alys, I just want to say - you hit the nail on the head - an excellent summation of all sides of the discussion.

I have nothing to add, and agree 100% with you and Noc both.

It took me about five years to reach the conclusion that this was the healthiest thing for me to do--as in best for my own state of being. It was not done lightly, and it was the only option that served my wellbeing. (Served in the sense of meeting needs, not in the sense of subordination--could probably just as easily use the word "nurtured.") I did this (with one exception) without assigning blame or negativity to the other parties. It was because of my needs, not because of their culpability. I was not bound to any spirits at that time, but relationships with family and friends hold equal weight, to me, in this analysis as relationships with spirits or even entities.

This part, especially, sums up everything quite nicely.

[Alys-RaccoonReadings]

[Leo Sierra]

I know that this is an old thread but there is so much of value here that I find myself coming back to it time and again.
No healthy relationship should feel like a resentful chore and if connections are not enjoyable then there should be no stigma about simply reclaiming your freedom and walking away.

[SerenitySpells]

I agree fully with Taipan Twist. Any unhealthy relationship is and should be walked away from.

However we all have different relationships, what may look unhealthy to one person maybe not be seen that way from another set of eye, or even by the people within that relationship.

My family are seen as dysfunctional by pretty much everyone outside of the witchy community, yet to me we are the normal ones and they are the weird ones.

Our relationships with spirits and other companions will be the same, one relationship may be loud and energetic, another spirit may have a gentle, soothing relationship with us, and there may seem they are not there as they like to work in the background.

Overall thought this was a great thread to read and contained loads of words of wisdom