Satan and Suns

Today, let's talk about the need to be seen.

We've all had those moments where we look askance of those who claim fantastic things. The root cause of this desire is the need to be seen. It's not just about the need to feel special, though that's part of it - but it is a cry for attention.

My father is a narcissist. Not all narcissists are bad - if they face their pasts and work on healing themselves, if they recognize the issue and work on behavior modification, they can be really amazing people - just as any wounded healer is.

But the issue with my dad is that he was never able to admit he needed help. He was never able to face the wounds-become-scars that created him. His need for attention was so all-encompassing that there was no room for me in the picture... so I, too, grew up with a need not met. His need for approval from his parents created my need to be special.

I still struggle with it. When I see a child in the grocery line, I wiggle my wings at them in the hopes that they will see me. When I write an article on my blog, or on the forum, I crave acknowledgment. I look for likes, thanks, and comments, as if they are my air. I want to be known, I want to be recognized, I want to be appreciated. I want, in short... to be SEEN.

The desire to be seen is a very human need. We determine where we fit in our social groups, in our families and tribes, even in our employment and our nation, by how many people notice us. This need for recognition has a dollar sign attached once you reach adulthood.

Run your own craft-based business, and every sale is a recognition of your worth.

In other words... we define our worth by the value others lend to us.

So. Today's exercise, today's discussion, is How To See YOURSELF.

Right now, go and look into the mirror, and really try to see yourself. Look for the things that others have seen but you do not. Acknowledge yourself today in your daily activities.

This is a selfish world. The need to be seen isn't always going to be met by others. Sometimes, the appreciative pat on the back isn't going to come.

So the solution is to meet that need for yourself. To practice daily appreciation. We hear a lot about gratitude. Looking at the life you have, and being thankful even for the small things. This is acknowledgement... but it's not always directed at ourselves. In fact, more often than not, this appreciation is directed at either material goods, or the services of others.

When was the last time you were appreciative, grateful, for your own services? When was the last time you acknowledged your own contributions to your life, and the lives of others.

Today, go out and be thankful. Be seen. Acknowledge your place in the world, what you offer. In stead of seeking approval in the eyes of the world, today, approve of yourself.

What do you do for others? For your companions, your friends and family, for your pets, for your employers, for your jobs, for the people you run into daily? Don't make excuses. "I'm smiling because I'm paid to be gracious." No. You're smiling, and that can make or break someone else's day.

Don't think about what you didn't do - don't shoulda-coulda-woulda your day away. Instead, focus on what you DO do. When people thank you, don't blow that off. When people do not say thank you, give yourself that gratitude. A flower doesn't bloom because someone looked at it and found it beautiful. A flower blooms because it is a flower, and it's doing what flowers do. With every breath you take, you bloom anew. It's important to acknowledge that all your blooming isn't for anyone other than you. You would bloom whether they were there or not.

Be kind to yourself. See yourself. Be grateful for your actions, your thoughts, your words. You are special... pay attention.

I feel this. I sometimes almost feel a sense of what I want to say is guilt but it's not quite that particular emotion in relation to having that particular human need. I don't know like I feel awkward about it. Sometimes I hate it and feel in these moments like it shouldn't even exist.

I found this article fairly helpful to read. Especially the part where you said to stop focusing on what you're not doing, what you could've or should've done and focus more so on what good you have done or are doing currently. It really helps nothing to beat yourself up over things and usually it makes things worse because you're so hurt by it that you can't manage to do anything else. And the flower blossoming reference resonanted with me as well. It felt empowering in it's own right. Like I can do these things however small and continue to do these things that make me feel good. So thanks for taking the time to write this. It was a good read.

How do you delete this 'human need' from your soul ? I am trying to find ways to not bother anymore with it. I think this also extends to the idea of being loved by another person. A person who's totally into you and goes to the moon and back for you. How do you disconnect from these ego driven primal desires ?

Nyctophilia Raven wrote: ↑

Thu Aug 20, 2020 7:14 am

So the solution is to meet that need for yourself. To practice daily appreciation. We hear a lot about gratitude. Looking at the life you have, and being thankful even for the small things. This is acknowledgement... but it's not always directed at ourselves. In fact, more often than not, this appreciation is directed at either material goods, or the services of others.

But how do you go about breaking the programing of a lifetime spent being told, and believing, that your self-worth is inextricably tied to your utility to others? If others don't have a use for you, you're worthless. It's not just nasty parents who brain-wash their children with that belief, although it usually starts there. This I know from my own life. This society reinforces that belief with the utmost brutality.

My desire to create things exists in and of itself. But what about the things I create? My photography, my jewelry, my writing? Few see these things and those that do are decidedly under-whelmed. What's the fucking point? Why do I even have this desire to create anything if no one else gives a shit? I really have no answer for that, yet the desire is still there, I hear just enough good things to think, "It's not a total waste of time."

And, by golly, right after I wrote the above I got a nice, sharp lesson in my "worth" as a person being directly tied to my utility to the only family I now have. (My birth family wrote me off long ago) Nothing changes, not in their fundamentals. As someone I used to work with once said. "You're only as good as your last job." Ya know what, even that doesn't matter to some people.

It makes me wonder about the role of entropy in "maintaining" relationships. Hell, in getting out of bed in the morning and facing another day. Not because there is anything to really be gained in doing so, it's just force of habit and the knowledge of the price to be paid for not doing "what's expected of me."

Passchendaele wrote: ↑

Mon Aug 24, 2020 11:31 pm

But how do you go about breaking the programing of a lifetime spent being told, and believing, that your self-worth is inextricably tied to your utility to others? If others don't have a use for you, you're worthless. It's not just nasty parents who brain-wash their children with that belief, although it usually starts there. This I know from my own life. This society reinforces that belief with the utmost brutality.

My desire to create things exists in and of itself. But what about the things I create? My photography, my jewelry, my writing? Few see these things and those that do are decidedly under-whelmed. What's the fucking point? Why do I even have this desire to create anything if no one else gives a shit? I really have no answer for that, yet the desire is still there, I hear just enough good things to think, "It's not a total waste of time."

And, by golly, right after I wrote the above I got a nice, sharp lesson in my "worth" as a person being directly tied to my utility to the only family I now have. (My birth family wrote me off long ago) Nothing changes, not in their fundamentals. As someone I used to work with once said. "You're only as good as your last job." Ya know what, even that doesn't matter to some people.

It makes me wonder about the role of entropy in "maintaining" relationships. Hell, in getting out of bed in the morning and facing another day. Not because there is anything to really be gained in doing so, it's just force of habit and the knowledge of the price to be paid for not doing "what's expected of me."

I have the same feelings. You know I fight to be myself, to not be a doormat who is simply made use of. It is a constant battle.
I pretty much abandoned my hobbies and my art because I just didn’t have the spare energy to fight for them. My art especially virtually everyone found underwhelming and it affected how I felt about it.

Going by society’s standards I have no worth. I have achieved none of the pre set ‘life goals’ I just sort of exist lol

So mostly for changing deep behavioural patterns involves changing your beliefs and shadow work. The beliefs we have and the narratives we tell ourselves do not need to define us, they are malleable and can be changed. Even though to do this deep work can be terrifying it is also rewarding, as we Begin to undo societal conditioning and find out who we truly are and how we truly exist. It involves a lot of questioning and working out what you truly believe, away from what society has programmed into you.

@passchendaele, perhaps the desire and the process of creation, does not necessarily need to have meaning, the creative process can be viewed as bringing energies from the unseen or more Subconscious realms into the world. In a way it can also be a form of manifestation. Sometimes things can just exist as they are without a certain need. Like for example i sometimes will look to nature for my answers too, take a stone for example; what use does it fulfill by existing? Yet it still exists and is an important part of the ecosystems. As for worth ,i find it comes from within, we define it ourselves, we need not give our power And sovereignty away to others to determine this for us. What makes another better or more suited to determining your worth, then you are? By existing you are worthy and have worth and you are born that way, but again each will have their own unique lessons for this. Nycto touched on ways to see ourselves as more worthy too, in practicing sitting with ourselves and praising our own abilities. Also as for what the point of something is, i also see us as determining and applying meaning to things ourselves, we determine our meaning and whether something has meaning to us or not. but this is ultimately my paradigm and based in chaos magic too, so ymmv.


@ blckmagickx; from my view ego driven and primal desire is a bit of a misnomer, ego is not necessarily Or even usually primal. Also on the idea of it being a human need, certainly it can be seen that way, but if you want to break out of the programming then stop seeing it as a necessity. To see it as a necessity can feel like an excuse to not do anything about it, but we create our own realities. Again i would suggest shadow work And changing limiting beliefs, if something doesn’t sit right with you then abandon it and work out what does resonate with you. However that being said i wouldn't suggest “ demonizing” the ego as it is part of you as well and valued, ( this can lead to more issues later down the track in shadow work) but like just curtail it instead. Mental mastery will also help with this. Also perhaps looking at why You wish to “ eliminate” it from yourself too, sometimes such things as this are not just surface level. Nyctos advice in this is also good practice.

I am not sure that there is much left to be said. Everything that has be written above this in thread really encompasses it all. Everything feeling I have thought. A mum who; well her wounds are deep, and don't we all know her suffering. Having to prove our love for her, and having to thank her for her sacrifices that she has made for us her children. The goal posts that keep getting moved so we try harder to show our love. Our worth, my worth is only as good as her love for me is. So I try harder, I achieve each goal that is set for me, yet still its not enough.

Teacher expectations, job expectations, relationship expectations, all are no different to her expectations. You are reminded how worthless you.

We wonder why we try to be perfectionists etc ...

To look at myself in the mirror is terrifying. In fact I hardly ever.

Shadow work never ends. But the circle can be broken. Our children are shown how wonderful and loved they are. They have never been hit, they are never told how pathetic they are, they are never shown or told of any sacrifices we may have made for them. And if I do lose it, I apologise to the child I may have shouted out. I want them to know that it's ok to admit when a mistake has been made and saying sorry and meaning it is important. We always give hugs and no one goes to bed upset or crying.

I think this exercise is amazing and well worth it. How, in our everyday lives, can we acknowledge ourselves? I know I don’t take the time to sit and just acknowledge myself. I certainly don’t think about myself positively. Because I was taught to not be “selfish” and if I think about myself instead of other people I’m automatically selfish.

I agree with what you said Raven. We should sit and look at ourselves FOR ourselves. So we too can think positively about yourselves. Like others said too it’s about recognizing and changing our thought patterns.

Thank you for this message and I’ll try and take today to just look at myself. As I am. Not as I fear I am.

I remember riding a glorious spotted grey horse… she was the most beautiful thing and semi wild. I climbed on her, bare back, and rode out into the field. I came upon a trail leading into the woods which, on impulse, I followed. It was a narrow path full of stones and fallen branches. I was used to being invisible. The thing is, as a child, I could have bled to death in full view and not been noticed. And… there was a gift in this. And I found it. The thing about gifts, about your personal gifts, is that You have to find them.
So i rode down the trail-and came upon a group of girls close to my age. They were often bullies and not my friends normally. But I was in my invisible mode and utterly In-mySelf and so I stopped the horse and sat there watching them. I sat there, in my dream space, until one of them woke up and began screaming. At which point they all began to scream, and then laugh. We became friends after that and that is just one of many things that happened in that “space” that is “me”.

I have had this experience many times as a child, often with animals. The end result is a friendship and it taught me that the desire to be seen is the alternative to knowing oneself… to know oneself and be best friends with yourself is to be inevitably loved by others. Later, I found that it also can arouse terrible jealousy in others. We don’t define ourselves by others, by those things outside of ourselves, when we are in love (healthily so) with ourselves. Nor do we need to feed on their attention for love.

And it’s kinda funny that the older we get sometimes the harder it is to find and trust this ”me” space … and how the world around us is built utterly upon the need to keep us in our own need. Not in our fullness of ourselves, but our need. It is how the world sustains itself. And I mean human world when I say that…. Because Nature is Not like that at all. It is more self sustaining and a very good support in finding our own “me space”.