Dark Shadows and guilt
Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2020 7:56 pm
First I apologize for such a long post, but I feel some background information is necessary. I have been experiencing a type of personal hell over the past month or so that I cannot seem to escape and I really need help. It involves my past, a memory, and a “ghost “ (for lack of a better term). First, my traumatic past (which lead to a series of events, which led to me doing something that I feel terrible guilt over): For those who are new on here, or unaware of my background, I was born out of wedlock into a catholic family therefore viewed as an unholy demon child, a burden, a mistake, and the shame of the whole family. I was subjected to every kind of abuse imaginable, both physical and emotional. I never had acceptance and was treated as an object with no feelings. My very basic needs for food, shelter, and clothing were met... but that’s it, that’s all. I was never given a chance to develop self esteem, a sense of self worth, or confidence in my self to do anything right. I was treated like an incapable idiot and told that when I grew up I needed to marry for convenience and cook, clean, and bear children. It was quite horrible really, and I knew I wanted more than that... to go to college, have a career, experience acceptance and friendship, and if I did eventually marry it would be for love and companionship... not convenience. The problem I had was being totally confused about how to achieve any of that. I was socially maladjusted, depressed, full of anxiety and self doubt, had no life skills whatsoever, and was totally unable to feel let alone emphasize with the feelings of others. Even though the men in my family were violent drunks and I hated being around people who were drinking, I became an alcoholic. I drank alone and no one really knew how bad my substance abuse was because I went to work every day, always had nice, clean clothing, was well groomed. I am not bringing any of this up for sympathy, but because the emotional turmoil I was in as a result, and the drinking, led me to make bad choices... and those bad choices eventually put me in a bad situation where I did a really, really horrible thing (this was 28 years ago). I had found a million ways to justify what I had done, didn’t feel guilt over it, and didn’t even give any thought to the victim of my actions.... for the most part, I didn’t even give a thought to what I had done, just put it out of my mind... that is, until about a month ago... yes, after 28 years had passed. It’s terrible, and I have never talked about this to anyone. I hope someone can help me with this, but if everyone hates me for it instead, I understand and I deserve it.
Here’s what I did... I was involved in a very unhealthy relationship which I had gotten into for all the wrong reasons, and eventually found the strength and courage to break it off and leave the guy. At the time, I had a dog, a puppy about 4 months old. When I got her, my intentions were good... I wanted to have her with me every day of her life, show her love and care for her the way she deserved. Suddenly, however, I was faced with having to find a place to live since I had been living with the person I had just broke up with. I had a friend who owned a house and was willing to rent out a room to me for cheap until I could get on my feet, save money, and get my own place. The only thing was that he was really allergic to pet dander and said that my dog would have to stay outside. I didn’t like the idea, but I had been staying in a hotel and they were complaining about my dog and threatening to kick me out, so I had to take him up on his offer. He was truly a good friend and was trying to help, but my drinking was out of control. I didn’t act crazy or get in trouble or anything, but I drank secretly to escape from the depression, confusion, and anxiety I was experiencing. The result was that I would just go to work then come home, hide in my room alone, and drink until I passed out or puked. I avoided responsibility to myself and the poor dog and procrastinated looking for my own place mainly because I didn’t have faith in myself to be independent. My friend, if he knew what was going on just accepted it. Maybe he was really unaware, or maybe he was just a lonely, older man who just liked the comfort of having someone near even if that someone just stayed isolated in a room all the time... I don’t know. Eventually however, he brought it to my attention that I needed to do something about my dog... her name was Honey... because I couldn’t just keep her outside like that forever and the weather was starting to get cold. I told him I would start looking for someplace I could rent that allowed pets, and he gave me a couple of weeks to either find a rental or find a home for Honey. I began looking for a place, but had no luck... they either didn’t allow dogs, only allowed small dogs, or were expensive beyond my means at the time, and I didn’t have enough time to save enough up for any place that would allow me to keep Honey. I was so hopeful that I would find a place that I didn’t bother to try to find a new home for her. Eventually my deadline to figure some arrangement out was days away and I didn’t know what to do, so I did the most horrible, rotten thing I had ever done in my life... I called the local animal control and said she had been abandoned by someone and had them come pick her up because I couldn’t bear to take her in myself. I figured she was young... about 6 months old by then, really cute, and would have no problem being adopted. I was told she would have 2 weeks to get adopted before she would be put to sleep but she was such a sweetheart I didn’t think she would have any problem getting a good home. I don’t know what happened to her. The memories I have of the whole situation are vague and limited. I think I remember calling to see if she was okay and I think I remember the woman I talked to telling me they no longer had her and she was adopted. I think I remember the officer who picked her up telling me she would have no problem getting a home and that he may even want her himself, but the mind can play tricks on one and create false memories to protect one from pain too hard to deal with so I don’t know if I can trust my memories. The most horrible memory I have in spite of all the things I have been through is of watching that officer walk her to the truck, then pick her up and put her in it while positioning himself between her and me so we couldn’t see each other as he stuck her in there. I think he knew I had lied about her being abandoned. As he pulled away in the truck, my friend came out and said, “ someone will get her, she’s a really nice dog.” I went to the liquor store, returned to my room, and got drunk as shit... as usual. I know... it’s horrible.
Over the years I had my ups and downs, but eventually sobered up (I have been sober for 13 years now). I accomplished much... I am independent, self sufficient, confident that I can rely on my own self to achieve whatever I wish. I am self employed and own my own home which I obtained through my own hard work. I have 3 dogs and 3 cats who I love and spoil. Every once in a while I would think about Honey but I never dwelled on the situation. However, about a month ago, I woke up one morning with Honey on my mind and have not been able to stop thinking about her since. I don’t know if she found a forever loving home. I worry sick. I think about all the times I sat there drinking alone when I should have been playing with her and giving her attention, I think about how I wished for a close friend who was always accepting of me and always there for me not recognizing that all along I had that friend... Honey. I think about how I procrastinated and should have tried harder to keep her. I think about how I failed her and what I had put her through, and what she must have been feeling and thinking. I think about how, if she saw me again, she would have just been happy to see me... wagging her tail and jumping on me rather than being mad or anything. I think about how she used to cry when I left for work because she just wanted to be with me. I feel so terrible about this that I cry daily... after all these years... and I have no closure. I miss her horribly, and though I know 28 years has gone by and she’s no doubt passed away by now I wish I could let her know She was loved and I am so sorry for what I did.
How the hell does one deal with something like this? Why, after all these years is this happening? I don’t know what to do, I have no one to talk to about it. Can anyone help me with this? Is there a Demon or Angel that could maybe help or some type of magick or spell work? This is driving me crazy!
Here’s what I did... I was involved in a very unhealthy relationship which I had gotten into for all the wrong reasons, and eventually found the strength and courage to break it off and leave the guy. At the time, I had a dog, a puppy about 4 months old. When I got her, my intentions were good... I wanted to have her with me every day of her life, show her love and care for her the way she deserved. Suddenly, however, I was faced with having to find a place to live since I had been living with the person I had just broke up with. I had a friend who owned a house and was willing to rent out a room to me for cheap until I could get on my feet, save money, and get my own place. The only thing was that he was really allergic to pet dander and said that my dog would have to stay outside. I didn’t like the idea, but I had been staying in a hotel and they were complaining about my dog and threatening to kick me out, so I had to take him up on his offer. He was truly a good friend and was trying to help, but my drinking was out of control. I didn’t act crazy or get in trouble or anything, but I drank secretly to escape from the depression, confusion, and anxiety I was experiencing. The result was that I would just go to work then come home, hide in my room alone, and drink until I passed out or puked. I avoided responsibility to myself and the poor dog and procrastinated looking for my own place mainly because I didn’t have faith in myself to be independent. My friend, if he knew what was going on just accepted it. Maybe he was really unaware, or maybe he was just a lonely, older man who just liked the comfort of having someone near even if that someone just stayed isolated in a room all the time... I don’t know. Eventually however, he brought it to my attention that I needed to do something about my dog... her name was Honey... because I couldn’t just keep her outside like that forever and the weather was starting to get cold. I told him I would start looking for someplace I could rent that allowed pets, and he gave me a couple of weeks to either find a rental or find a home for Honey. I began looking for a place, but had no luck... they either didn’t allow dogs, only allowed small dogs, or were expensive beyond my means at the time, and I didn’t have enough time to save enough up for any place that would allow me to keep Honey. I was so hopeful that I would find a place that I didn’t bother to try to find a new home for her. Eventually my deadline to figure some arrangement out was days away and I didn’t know what to do, so I did the most horrible, rotten thing I had ever done in my life... I called the local animal control and said she had been abandoned by someone and had them come pick her up because I couldn’t bear to take her in myself. I figured she was young... about 6 months old by then, really cute, and would have no problem being adopted. I was told she would have 2 weeks to get adopted before she would be put to sleep but she was such a sweetheart I didn’t think she would have any problem getting a good home. I don’t know what happened to her. The memories I have of the whole situation are vague and limited. I think I remember calling to see if she was okay and I think I remember the woman I talked to telling me they no longer had her and she was adopted. I think I remember the officer who picked her up telling me she would have no problem getting a home and that he may even want her himself, but the mind can play tricks on one and create false memories to protect one from pain too hard to deal with so I don’t know if I can trust my memories. The most horrible memory I have in spite of all the things I have been through is of watching that officer walk her to the truck, then pick her up and put her in it while positioning himself between her and me so we couldn’t see each other as he stuck her in there. I think he knew I had lied about her being abandoned. As he pulled away in the truck, my friend came out and said, “ someone will get her, she’s a really nice dog.” I went to the liquor store, returned to my room, and got drunk as shit... as usual. I know... it’s horrible.
Over the years I had my ups and downs, but eventually sobered up (I have been sober for 13 years now). I accomplished much... I am independent, self sufficient, confident that I can rely on my own self to achieve whatever I wish. I am self employed and own my own home which I obtained through my own hard work. I have 3 dogs and 3 cats who I love and spoil. Every once in a while I would think about Honey but I never dwelled on the situation. However, about a month ago, I woke up one morning with Honey on my mind and have not been able to stop thinking about her since. I don’t know if she found a forever loving home. I worry sick. I think about all the times I sat there drinking alone when I should have been playing with her and giving her attention, I think about how I wished for a close friend who was always accepting of me and always there for me not recognizing that all along I had that friend... Honey. I think about how I procrastinated and should have tried harder to keep her. I think about how I failed her and what I had put her through, and what she must have been feeling and thinking. I think about how, if she saw me again, she would have just been happy to see me... wagging her tail and jumping on me rather than being mad or anything. I think about how she used to cry when I left for work because she just wanted to be with me. I feel so terrible about this that I cry daily... after all these years... and I have no closure. I miss her horribly, and though I know 28 years has gone by and she’s no doubt passed away by now I wish I could let her know She was loved and I am so sorry for what I did.
How the hell does one deal with something like this? Why, after all these years is this happening? I don’t know what to do, I have no one to talk to about it. Can anyone help me with this? Is there a Demon or Angel that could maybe help or some type of magick or spell work? This is driving me crazy!