A writer in the making: translation exercise!

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Le Pautrain
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Hello everyone! I hope this post find you well...

Today, I come to you with a request: can you help a wannabe writer to be published?

I explain: I write in French, but recently, I wanted to zoom out and find new ways to be published. France does not welcome Sci-Fi and Fantasy, but what about the U.K. and the U.S.A.? Thus, I tried to translate my work from French to English. Your mission, should you accept it, is to read the sample below and to tell me your thoughts on it. If you want to, feel free to add some advice!
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Dragonoake
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Le Pautrain wrote:
Thu Nov 03, 2022 8:44 am
cast my gaze into the entrails of time. I was searching, beyond fire and fury, an answer; an answer for whom, lamenting in the dust, were vomiting their despair on a world waiting to swallow them all. I search for them, not for me, for I know what is.
Entrails, to me, are something removed form a slaughtered animal, so that doesn't make a lot of sense to me, unless you're using it as a form of divination.

Assuming you are referring to some form of divination, my suggestion would be something like this:

I cast my gaze into the depths of the mirror (flame, crystal ball, etc.), peering into the misty abyss of time in search of an answer. The answer I seek is not for myself, for I understand, but rather for a method of explaining it in a way that the lamenting villagers will understand.
In that time, I, Toru-Ssam, the Impassive,
Impassive?
Adventurer or wanderer might be better terms, here

Taking the form of a Dust Being, my feet once more trod the desolate paths of scorched earth and destruction and though my journey took me far beyond the known realms, I found no change in the bone crushing reality around me.

My journey took me into a desert of burning sands where the inhabitants had lost the flesh at the bottoms of their feet, such that they walked on the bare bones.
in the stones, faces without eyes, maw slacking, were watching. The ancestors of this lamenting people, they were; caught in the dust.
So, the skulls of their ancestors are embedded in the walls with a larger skull carved from stone at a focal point in the canyon?
Over time, the chanting of the throats came back, much deeper, like jerky it was.
Like jerky...
??
That might make perfect sense in French, but it loses something in translation


I, who describes the scene to you, watched from afar. But looking up, the serpent caught me in his steely gaze. Clearly displeased by my presence, he rose up like a gigantic cobra
The first step in working miracles is realizing that you can.
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Le Pautrain
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Thank you so much Dragonoake for your support and detailed review!

So, so, so...

Entrails of time: You understood well. It is a divination of sort. It is as the time was a gigantic animal in wich we can see all that was, is and will be; or as it is already in agony and the storyteller is using them. It is unknown if the narrator had part in the sacrification of the "animal-time". But it is a very litteral interpretation. Readers can simply see this as a poetic licence.

In this text, there is no definitive truth in the matter.

Oh! I didn't know the verb "to peer"; I'll keep it preciously.


The Impassive: That's the trick: the narrator is wandering (but how?) and is nicknamed "the Impassive". In French, we call this stylistic procces "la tension". The "tension" is when you linked two words generally dissociated by their signification. For example: a rain of fire. Ray Bradbury, Villiers de l'Isle-Adam and, to some extent, Saint John are masters of this process. After studying French Litterature for some years, I feel like I can use it in French at any time. But translating it is eeeUUUrERhrHrh...


Skulls embedded in the stone?: It can be. But, once more, you read this text in a very literal manner. What if it was really their faces, not their skulls? Just stretched skin, flushing from the rock? What if a dust storm caught these people in a prison for eternity? Is it some sort of burial ceremony, etc?

Jerky: I... wasn't sure about this one. In French, the word is "saccadé", "par saccades", "avec saccades". It is supposed to represent strange alterations in the rythm of the chant. What English word can describes this notion...? "Unsteady", "erratic"?

I will remember the expression "steely gaze", I like this one.

So, to conclude: It is not so bad for a first try! If I can improve on this basis and keep the pace, I could have finished my translation next Spring (it's a wishful thinking)!

Once more, thank you so much for your help!
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Le Pautrain wrote:
Fri Nov 04, 2022 2:23 am
Thank you so much Dragonoake for your support and detailed review!
No problem :devilgrin:
It is a divination of sort. It is as the time was a gigantic animal in which we can see all that was, is and will be
So, you're personifying (for lack of a better word) time, itself, as an animal
I'm not sure I can imagine that, but that's your challenge as the writer
Oh! I didn't know the verb "to peer"; I'll keep it preciously.
Happy to help
That's the trick: the narrator is wandering (but how?) and is nicknamed "the Impassive". In French, we call this stylistic process "la tension".
OK, so another example would be "Roaring silence"
I suspect the translation is the problem here. I've seen some very literal translations of Chinese menus that were bizarre, to say the least

To me, the im- prefix suggests "not", for example, impossible = not possible, or in this case, not passive; so, I'm not getting your intended connotation here
Skulls embedded in the stone?
It can be. But, once more, you read this text in a very literal manner.
I was imagining the valley as a shrine to their ancestors (an open-air catacomb, if you want to think of it that way), with skulls embedded in the sides and a large carved skull, representing the collective, as a focal point from which the serpent would emerge
What if it was really their faces, not their skulls? Just stretched skin, flushing from the rock?
So it could be more like the faces that appear around 2:05 in this video

Not so much a literal face as the memories of them
In French, the word is "saccadé", "par saccades", "avec saccades". It is supposed to represent strange alterations in the rhythm of the chant.
So, it's more of a jerky delivery where the chanters might not all be perfectly in synch, that about a piece of dried meat... That's where I was having problems

Erratic is probably not the perfect word, disjointed works until we can come up with a better term

I'm imagining the ritual sounding something like this, but with more chanters
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Le Pautrain
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Sorry for being late, I had some busy days, lately... So, let's continue!

Videos: Your two videos are very on point. I'm trying to express something quite disturbing, even horrifying, but in calm way. It is like Saint John, with the Apocalypse. He is describing some terrible events, and he is like "Mmmh, well, the time is twelve o'clock, nothing strange, here"!

Impassive: If I understood well, the term has a theologic acceptation, in wich case it means "Someone who can't feel pain". But I could be right wrong on that one... Translation is such a mind game!

Jerky: What? Dried meat? It is getting out of hand! I'm... terrified by the task of translating all my book, now!

I think I'll take a pause in the translation for now. At the end of the day, I stay a French writer, and focusing on that is not a bad idea...

Ah, the journey of a writer!

Once more, thank you so much for your help! See you soon on the forum!
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Le Pautrain
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Then it comes, when I needed it the most... the dictionnary.

*Orchestral apotheosis*
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Kore Serpens
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Your writing, your choice of words, is very evocative.
I like strange unusual things, the more visceral the better, and I enjoy being made to feel that way in my reading. I often don’t read what most others are enjoying. So take that into consideration while I offer my opinion.

Translation is always difficult and moving not simply from one audience (say science fiction to fantasy) which can be challenging enough, let alone to translate between languages/ countries. It’s a little like being a chef; you are going from French cuisine to McDonald’s and no one will be pleased. It’s hard to please the critics, while staying true to you inner vision, and trying to accomplish to many things at one time will stifle the story flow and lead to frustration.

I would turn it around and ask, why are you writing? Cash flow ? Creative urging? A sacred calling? Each one will ask something different from you; each one represents a trade off and a awareness of just how far you’re willing to translate your inner vision for the world. Each audience will demand a certain language and feel. And a more original fare/writing style will take more time (generally speaking) to gain an appreciative audience .

If you are writing for yourself then I say take the time to become a good writer in your own language first. Write to meet your own goals/needs first. And then cross the language barrier when you are solid in yourself and writing voice. Otherwise you will have to cut away too much of yourself before you’ve had enough time to really learn how/what you are as a writer.

That’s just my view.
Either way I wish you the best in your writing Le Pautrain.
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Le Pautrain
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Kore Serpens wrote:
Thu Nov 10, 2022 4:20 pm
Your writing, your choice of words, is very evocative.
I like strange unusual things, the more visceral the better, and I enjoy being made to feel that way in my reading. I often don’t read what most others are enjoying. So take that into consideration while I offer my opinion.

Translation is always difficult and moving not simply from one audience (say science fiction to fantasy) which can be challenging enough, let alone to translate between languages/ countries. It’s a little like being a chef; you are going from French cuisine to McDonald’s and no one will be pleased. It’s hard to please the critics, while staying true to you inner vision, and trying to accomplish to many things at one time will stifle the story flow and lead to frustration.

I would turn it around and ask, why are you writing? Cash flow ? Creative urging? A sacred calling? Each one will ask something different from you; each one represents a trade off and a awareness of just how far you’re willing to translate your inner vision for the world. Each audience will demand a certain language and feel. And a more original fare/writing style will take more time (generally speaking) to gain an appreciative audience .

If you are writing for yourself then I say take the time to become a good writer in your own language first. Write to meet your own goals/needs first. And then cross the language barrier when you are solid in yourself and writing voice. Otherwise you will have to cut away too much of yourself before you’ve had enough time to really learn how/what you are as a writer.

That’s just my view.
Either way I wish you the best in your writing Le Pautrain.
Greetings, Kore Serpens! Thank you so much for your advice! It's been a while... I do not visit the forum as often as I did in the past; the amount of translation work I have to do in order to fully participate in a discussion made me take a break. But I always appreciate your posts!

In fact, they often aligned with my own view of the world; if not, they always resonate within me. I'm beginning to think we have the same energetic vibration in a way or another!

Once again, you translate my thoughts with your post. I was thibking about the "why" of my writing thirst. In fact, I think it is through writing that ones like me can impact the world, in a good way. Plus, I think I have some ease in the exercise of litteral creation.

Later on, my parents and my college professors explained long and well that writing was not a way of life. Just a way for me to starve under a bridge, without any incomes. For long, a contradictory spirit could have support my wants... But for now, I'm more appeased. I've trained in specialized college, I wrote a lot, I read even more. I'm an adult and I have convictions about the society, the way it wants to mold you, to break you if it can... I just want to do what I do best and share it with those wanting to share it with me.

Is it strange that the fact you love my style of writing doesn't surprise me at all...? Thanks for your kind words! If you have any more observations/questions, do not hesitate!

I'll let you know about any news concerning my writer career.

Be well!
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Kore Serpens
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Le Pautrain wrote:
Sat Nov 19, 2022 8:22 am
Kore Serpens wrote:
Thu Nov 10, 2022 4:20 pm
Your writing, your choice of words, is very evocative.
I like strange unusual things, the more visceral the better, and I enjoy being made to feel that way in my reading. I often don’t read what most others are enjoying. So take that into consideration while I offer my opinion.

Translation is always difficult and moving not simply from one audience (say science fiction to fantasy) which can be challenging enough, let alone to translate between languages/ countries. It’s a little like being a chef; you are going from French cuisine to McDonald’s and no one will be pleased. It’s hard to please the critics, while staying true to you inner vision, and trying to accomplish to many things at one time will stifle the story flow and lead to frustration.

I would turn it around and ask, why are you writing? Cash flow ? Creative urging? A sacred calling? Each one will ask something different from you; each one represents a trade off and a awareness of just how far you’re willing to translate your inner vision for the world. Each audience will demand a certain language and feel. And a more original fare/writing style will take more time (generally speaking) to gain an appreciative audience .

If you are writing for yourself then I say take the time to become a good writer in your own language first. Write to meet your own goals/needs first. And then cross the language barrier when you are solid in yourself and writing voice. Otherwise you will have to cut away too much of yourself before you’ve had enough time to really learn how/what you are as a writer.

That’s just my view.
Either way I wish you the best in your writing Le Pautrain.
Greetings, Kore Serpens! Thank you so much for your advice! It's been a while... I do not visit the forum as often as I did in the past; the amount of translation work I have to do in order to fully participate in a discussion made me take a break. But I always appreciate your posts!

In fact, they often aligned with my own view of the world; if not, they always resonate within me. I'm beginning to think we have the same energetic vibration in a way or another!

Once again, you translate my thoughts with your post. I was thibking about the "why" of my writing thirst. In fact, I think it is through writing that ones like me can impact the world, in a good way. Plus, I think I have some ease in the exercise of litteral creation.

Later on, my parents and my college professors explained long and well that writing was not a way of life. Just a way for me to starve under a bridge, without any incomes. For long, a contradictory spirit could have support my wants... But for now, I'm more appeased. I've trained in specialized college, I wrote a lot, I read even more. I'm an adult and I have convictions about the society, the way it wants to mold you, to break you if it can... I just want to do what I do best and share it with those wanting to share it with me.

Is it strange that the fact you love my style of writing doesn't surprise me at all...? Thanks for your kind words! If you have any more observations/questions, do not hesitate!

I'll let you know about any news concerning my writer career.

Be well!


Your comments are always appreciated Le Pautrain. And worth the wait for translation.

I laugh at the image of your sitting under a bridge, starving. (Not literally funny!) It is so true that creating your own way forward via an individualistic vision is always met with resistance and fear for one’s survival. The spiritual challenges that always come. And make us stronger. The ones closest to us are so often the Gatekeepers to our digging out our inner truth.

It makes me laugh how everybody wants to be a rebel….they all love the rebel…
except in real life.

Not strange at all, and I’m very glad to know it.
We are never entirely alone; there is always some kindred spirit nearby sending positive encouragement…
And I am grateful for your reminding me of that.
Take good care and keep doing what feeds your soul xx
"Good morning. ( level stare) I see the assassins have failed….”

”In the end it doesn't matter who or what you are - only that you've been embraced by all that you've become ... "
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