Satan and Suns

**Disclaimer*** These meditations contain relaxing sounds and binaural beats. Please do not use them while driving, lifting heavy machinery, or performing any physical task where your attention is needed. Please do not use drugs or alcohol while using these meditations and if you do, you do so at your own risk, S&S and its affiliates assume no liability if any harm will come to you. ****

(this is the Pg-13 version of what's in my blog)

I got onto the black carousel. The ride conductor just nods at me vaguely as I pass. There is a twisted wyvern that I choose as my mount. My ringmaster is standing beside me, a smile on his lips as he stands perfectly balanced as the ride gets going. He doesn't even sway in place as the ride goes faster and faster and the world beyond falls away, dropping into the darkness of my inner carnival. The ride slows and I see a familiar face waiting for me. This time he has chosen no facial piercings by the rings piercing his flesh on his chest, abdomen and arms are strung with dark crimson and black ribbons. He smiles in greeting and helps me down and I look around.

My carnival is eerily silent. There are lanterns set up that sway in some sort of wind of unknown origin. It doesn't feel like actual wind but still they sway, casting their light randomly all around them as fog crawls along the ground and climbs the black tents, and everywhere there are torches and large camp fires made of black flame. I look to the main tent and Ro, my jester comes out with his twisted, painted smile. He gives a flourished bow and then starts toward me in some sort of hip-thrusting exaggerated dance as suddenly music spills and the carnival comes to life with dancers emerging from the tent. Some of the dancers I recognize as the mutilation demons and demonesses who have danced through my carnival before, but others bear the stark appearance and energy of the void, while others still are firmly of the crypt and underworld. The all move together, however, in a sinuous rhythm as they surround me. Ro grabs me and begins to dance with me in parody of the beautiful movement of the dancers, as we dance with a chaotic madness.

He holds me in place there among the whirling energies, celebrating life and death, and sublime darkness as he shares his energy with me. It is a primal celebration. My nails lengthen to excessively long dagger-like claws and I feel myself twist and contort with raw ferocity as if something has been broken loose within me to reflect the darkness of my carnival and my own inner essence.

The dancers close more around me and I break free from them with a laugh. Freaks dance among them in a sort of parade and I think I catch sight of Jenga, my lord of the freakshow conducting them, but it is only the briefest of glimpses. A woman comes near holding a giant snake wrapped around her body, she smiles at me and suddenly her face morphs into something like a serpent's head and it lunges briefly in a playful snap of her jaws and she smiles when I jump and laugh in delight. A fortune reader smiles from her booth and her face suddenly turns skeletal. Just beyond her tent there is a "ride" which explores the pleasures of pain and I see that the demons upon it are pierced like my guide, the hang from it and spin through the air acrobatically by ropes that are pulled from below, their cries of pleasure-pain adding a vibration to the air as they swing and dance upon the strings anchored into their flesh.

I also note that, aside from the fortune teller, the dead are everywhere this year, but I suspected as much when I got the jester as that imagery is so often connected with death for me. More than that there are phantasms that shriek as the fly wildly through the carnival, and ghost children playing the games and laughing at the dark chaos in lantern lit paths in the distance as they go among the booths with other spectral forms of men and women. There are a few rides in the distance, but this part of the park is more festivity and there is a waft of sweet smoke and ever sweeter scents mingling with a deep musk.

I see what appears to be children and I pause but then bare their sharp teeth and hiss at me suddenly, startling me. Not children but some kind of imps at play, and they laugh as they run past me. There are quite a few imps but there are also monsters, one of which appears to be a giant arachnid that linger in the darker corners. The monsters are sharing their essence with the demons attending. The serpent snake charmer comes up to me and transfers some of her essence to me and suddenly I'm caught along a path of mirrors. I stop in front of one and a woman smiles at me through the mirror, darkness flowing from her as we both lean in close. and then just as quickly I am out of the path of mirrors and my companions hold me between them as they also carnally share their essence with me. Madness winds deeper within me with every essence adding to my own. I feel as if it bursting through me and I move with it, letting it become a part of me and express through me. The carnival was alive with a twisted flow of energy and I felt as if I were intimately connected to the dark heart of it with numerous black threads. And I relished it.

Then it was done and I return at the end of the mediation.

When the carousel stopped and I climbed off, I was tiny. Or the carousel was huge. My guide had four tentacles protruding outward, forming an "X" shaped head with no discernible mouth or eyes. The rest of its body seems to be made of tentacles as well, but was covered by a formal, dark red jacket.

It was difficult at first to hone in on any particular element. I wasn't sure there was even a floor/ground. Until I went into a red and white striped tent. The small circle in the middle was surrounded by curved risers/bleachers. It was a bit like the circus tent in the "Abusement Park" level from Killing Floor. I remember this place from last year. A huge creature made of bluish white, glowing tendrils rose from the center of the floor. It reached out a tendril and grabbed me, pulling me into the ring. She suspended me 15 feet in the air above the audience. I recognized her as Madam Twinkle, the "goddess" I created to be a sort of patroness to my musical persona.

My spirit/true self form is a machine dragon. Madam Twinkle pulled the screws/rivets out of my metal armor and let each part clatter 15 feet to the floor. She then removed deeper and deeper parts. She pulled machine components I couldn't identify out of my chest. Soon, whole limbs were gone as metal "bones" clanked to the floor. All that remained was a glowing, blue orb of My soul essence.

The blue orb turned yellow and expanded into in the shape of a dragon. She released me to the ground. My co-magician dragon appeared in the ring, a giant, golden, machine dragon, my spiritual father. I realized I don't have to worry about getting my form "right" because it is malleable. I can build my body in whatever way suits me. I was instructed to "use my body as a tool, not a cage." I put myself back together. I assembled my hands/talons around the yellow dragon energy first. Then I worked my way up my arms to my chest and torso. As I built, my emerging form seemed sleeker, streamlined, more aerodynamic.

I find myself standing at the end of a dirt road with the carnival off in the distance. My kitten is in my palm. His “ guardians, “ my muti pup and my crypt pup ( that I accidentally kept calling void in discord, oops ) stand at my sides. We start walking when all of a sudden my gladiator comes up beside me, distracting the kitten enough that he ends up on my gladiator’s shoulder. Finally, we find ourselves at the carnival gates but they’re locked. A thick chain keeps the door together and a padlock holds everything in place.

A clown comes from the side, smiles silently, and unlocks it. Once the gates creak open it’s like the noise gets louder and we press on. From there, it’s actually hard to concentrate on the meditation because the clown stays at the edge of my vision and I’m too busy asking myself WTF to really hear what’s going on. That is, until my attention is brought to the carousel.

The horses look animated or, possibly, even alive. Fiery eyes and smoky nostrils stare back at me. The demon standing before it is quickly pushed to the side by the clown who is all too eager to push the small little gate open for us to step through. Still, the clown follows at a distance. Crypt pup sits to one side, muti pup lays on the metal flooring, and the gladiator sits in front of me. All I notice about my own horse is that there’s a pastel pink tail.

When the carousel stops spinning, I smack my head on the golden pole going through my horse. The carnival has disappeared. In it’s wake is the most depressing Tim Burton meets post-apocalyptic abandoned carnival you’ve ever seen. Silence is like a thick blanket weighing my shoulders down. Some of it looks swampy. There’s gnarled trees and glowing eyes staring back at me. Dog sized rats, maybe? Hard to tell because they’re just blurry shadowed blobs. The clown still follows. He’s like that pop of color in a black and white television show. His hair is neon orange. White facepaint is outlined with black to encircle his face. Upside down black triangles are under his eyes. I don’t see it, necessarily, but I have a feeling the facial expression is sad. It’s when he turns around to start showing off the carnival that I notice a lizard-like tail and webbed feet. Almost like some reptilian demon is wearing a human clown suit.

I see a boardwalk of abandoned games. There’s a cardboard cutout of a clown stamped down in the dirt, like a running mob knocked it over. All the awnings are ripped. I see a sign for a lion attraction, a tarot reader’s tent, and the big top itself. Everything is still except for the occasional judgement of glowing eyes.

For some reason, I turn to the side and look at my gladiator. There’s another kitten sitting on his shoulder. This one glowing a darker green and tiny little fangs peeking down from their upper lip. When their eyes open I see green flames and it pushes me out of the meditation.

Joke is on me because I wrote up my experience and by the time I hit post it was logged out. Lol!
I did the second half of the meditation with the group, having been late. Then, I circled back and did the full meditation.
My companion Volk is from the Arachne realm. He's accompanying me this year to carnivale! He sat with me during the partial mediation and came along for the ride on the full one!
What's of interest is that I really didn't know we were traversing to our own carnivale, yet that is exactly what he and I discussed during the group session. I am just a little surprised here!
My ride is a huge beast. He is a cat-like gryphon who is also presenting much like a gargoyle. Massive. Brown colors and then I see bright colors spark and swirl all over him. So magnificent and beautiful!
We arrive and I see tiny me inside a paper-like tunnel system that's vast and more like a system within a body. I peer closer and realize it's both somewhere else and my internal body system. Hahaha, I am inside my own heart!! It's weird, let me be honest here!
Volk has me focus on my body. The feel, the sensations. Being present in full. Its harder than it should be. But, I do that until we're done & find myself back home.
I fell into a deep sleep and had really strange dreams that are a recurring pattern. Family, sudden packing and leaving, angry people against me, ...this is my recurring dream the past couple years.

I made this Meditation a second time.
During Countdown the energies shifting more intense
Suddenly I stood in front of carousel,
for the ride again the black Dragon
After exciting ups and downs and faster I found myself in darkness
I followed the Dragon to my Carnivale
There were carousels, rides, funhouse..
all closed and long forgotten
It made me sad
Then I noticed a crying girl
Oh my inner child
She is sad, foresaken, she wished security, carefreeness, carelessness
I told her in hardness of life sometimes it is not possible
Over there was standing a music box
I had 1 Euro put it inside and immediatly music started
And as well the colourful light Shows and the rides started spinning
The girl smiled, soon visitors will arrive
I gave her a rainbow baloon

I stare at the guy as I enter the gate…and he stares back. I don’t know why that is funny, lol. Everybody seems very tall until I sense my golden serpent scooting ahead of me and I realign w. myself.

When the ride stops I meet my guide who is HUGE, red, and immensely muscular. he is walking rather separate from me and looks kind of twitchy. I ask him questions like : why is he so big? Is it to protect me from something, Or to be protected from myself?
It is to protect me, he replies.

but somehow I don’t believe him. I notice he is in flames….interesting. I ask if he is afraid of me, if not why remain apart?
He is not afraid, he says, looking sideways at me, but somehow I don’t believe him.

I’m grinning. This place has a strange vibe and is difficult to read, it’s very …. disguised. And it feels, hmmm ….I'm not certain if I’m going to die from the lack of feedback or I should be maybe terrified of something that is watching me ….

Everything seems rather empty but for the plants. I can’t see anything else. The purple in the plants is magnetic. I notice that I am able to go slightly underground, with just my vision above ground, and move very fast. A very handy predator technique I think. Im aware of Ekx…..her primal presence is unmistakeable and I am delighted she’s here!

I see huge flowers with purple lines running lengthwise along their leaves which are more like trails of wide vines than actual leaves. I follow the purple; I’m sipping on the purple, feeding off it like nectar. I know that it is intensely toxic but it is very sweet to me so I’m thinking that I must be very toxic- hence my question to my huge guardian. Ekx’ lets me know that it is toxic to everyone else. It makes them ill.

I keep eating but I’m getting bored. (tbh, I should have clued into that feeling straight off…) I ask if I am predator here. An unseen presence replies: No. I ask if I am prey. Reply: Yes. And There is a creepy dark presence suddenly and I feel a fear response…. Hmm, but I don’t believe.
I ask again. Same response: I am prey and being hunted.

So if I am prey— I reach out fast and slash the invisible being who is responding to me and get a yelp. I know my claws are dripping with poison. They disappear and then reappear and leap into my arms. It’s Lil Darkling and she is laughing and kissing me. She is being mischievous (which translates into torturing me and trying to make me loose my mind if she can); she says she wanted to scare me so that we would play together.
Ekx’ calls me the princess and the horror…. and no matter how hard I deny me, the truth is evident to all who look upon me.
Hmmm. I am me. So. Maturity is acknowledging what I am.
I am the Queen, and the Monster. One.
Im beginning to get it and it’s so funny I have to laugh. All this being terrorized ….
they did tell me that she was mischievous…..
I’m starting to have fun…

So this time was very different from the last two years. This time I entered a much brighter and livelier scene. Although Death yet again was my guardian.

This time just felt different, happier. More alive. I eventually get sent to my “tent”. But I entered and nothing was set up. The lights weren't even on, and I got really depressed. I sat there trying to figure out why. Eventually my guardian made his way into my tent, while Death wandered off with a finger pointed at me (he went to look for free stuff ).

During this one of my Black Flame mashebas decided to launch herself out of a cannon, through the wall in the tent, into a screaming group of people. And this one is supposed to be a queen and leader too. (There was a lineup for who got to go first? Cats man.)

We talked about how upset I was, that I didn't know what to do. Every year the stage and tent were always set up for me before I got there. But this year it wasn't, and I didn't know why. I didn't know my theme or anything. It really upset me, as everyone looked forward to my performance but I didn't feel like I was ready? We talked about it for a while, but the meditation ended and I got pulled back. So this will have a follow up!

I've done this meditation four times, and it's just not happening...
I can't think of anything that might be wrong, so I conclude that either it's happening on an unconscious level (I do have a tendency to operate on two separate levels), or something needs to happen first.
Therefore, I will move on to the other meditations and come back to this one later

This time I invited Lord Mammon to join me with this Meditation.
I climbed on my Infernal Dragon and carousel spins faster and faster and
I was at the gates of my Carnivale.
Everything was closed, Acrobats, Illusionists Clowns and Dancer were sleeping.
I noticed there a swing on the playground. I took place and started to swing, higher and higher. I felt air in my face felt somehow carefree and free like air acrobats
Suddenly stuff woke up and music started to play
Willkommen, Welcome
Later Lord Mammon let me know that sometimes playfulness is theray