Satan and Suns

I escaped the knife weilding flesh dolls. I have my little dark energy void doll with me. He looked up at me as we walked into the darkness, his hand on my shoulder and I carry him high in one arm. we enter a dark room and it is twisting dark vines of living, predatory fanged plants that seem to mingle snake features with extending snapping fangs not unlike the xenomorph aliens. The flowers snap their fangs and shriek as I approach but I do not feel fearful or threatened by them, nor do they truly try to attack me but almost seem to dance for me. And they are beautiful. Their petals are dark red and dark plum and black, and shiny, meaty in appearance. They are living predators, their vines twisting and twining like the tails of serpents, moving them, dragging their roots shallowly along the surface of soil. I stare at them for a moment, entranced with their dark beauty and then I move on, moving deeper into the darkness. My flesh doll giggles in delight.

I step into a corridor of wet, dripping strands, like vines or massive roots dripping with blood. I walk through them, feeling them smear across me and yet it smells pleasantly of musk. I continue to walk with my doll until we reach the next room.

From there a vast shape rises like a hooded cobra, deathly pale. A void serpent monster. Its face is something between a serpentine and human but neither and utterly monstrous, and yet beautiful. The structure of its white face is beautifully ridged, almost ornately, its mouth wide and open in a silent shriek. I it me, similar to the monstrous form I saw of myself in the funhouse, but bigger and deadlier. This is an aspect of myself, one that is truly a monster like that I saw an interacted with another year while visiting a different segment of the carnival. It twines like a dancing cobra, staring into me, in my soul and I stare into it and we recognize and see each other as one.

I step away into the darkness and am grabbed by powerful hands. My mutilation horror has returned. He carries me effortlessly but gently as he did the previous time and deposits me on the operating terrible. I do not feel fear, only elation, looking forward to the exquisite sensation of release with the transformation. Each reshaping tugs on my darkness, drawing it forth. I can feel it bursting from my skin like veins transforming into vines and pushing outward from my flesh. Slender ones emerge from my arms and larger ones from my shoulders and torso, spilling out like tendrils of pure darkness. My belly is opened up once again but when I see myself in the mirror I see a massive carnivorous flower like I encountered in the first room.
It is an expression I'm familiar with. the way I feel when feeding sexually, like a flower opening to draw energy into my core and then closing, it has manifested into flesh. But my face has changed too. I have four eyes like the voidal serpent creature, and I have a boney segment that runs like mandibles anchoring where my jawbone also anchors just below my cheekbone. These boney segments can spread wide from my skin but at rest the lay against my mouth smoothly, the long fangs extending over my mouth. I have no hair, however because the rest of my face and head is like one of those predatory flowers and the leathery petals move at will as they extend all around my head, with petals continuing down my neck and shoulders, the petals lifting and moving at my command.

I dance among the dolls, the dark vines flowing from me and twisting and twining through the air and I live and breathe the darkness of myself as being of the dollhouse. I am still swaying and dancing as I venture deeper and then suddenly I am no longer in the dollhouse and have returned to my normal appearance. But I did so love being the monster that I had become there.

This meditation didn’t start off in the carnival. In fact, it looked more like one of those abandoned farm houses you see in a horror movie. Once white paint faded and chipped. A porch with two pillars. Even a rocking chair propped in one of the corners.

My gladiator, void kitten, and incubus husband join me again but at some point in all the running they disappear. There’s a Silent Hill vibe to all the dolls. None of them have heads and all their outfits are in various states of distress.

I don’t remember when they first appear but I start to see void tendrils coming out of me. The same I see from the little kitten. Not sure what that means and I haven’t been able to connect to my true self yet, so I don’t know if there’s any connection there. They only intensify after I push myself off the Dr’s table. When I look in the mirror they’re wrapping themselves around me like a second skin.

Along with the void / shadow I see distorted skeletal wings. One is at an odd angle that makes me wonder if it’s broken. My eyes are different colors. There’s two different horns on my head like they came from two different sources. Two long fangs extend past my lips and all the other teeth are serrated. I’m surprised I noticed so much considering the wet noises almost threw me out of the meditation.

I hear Dr. Sechah laugh and he tells me: “your darkness is one of great complexity…. that is why I laugh.”

I don’t comprehend what I am, what I am seeing. There is no comprehending. I just am. So I stop trying. This is what I do comprehend; the colors are extremely vibrant, black, a rich rich crimson. My upper half is woman, Queen, with alien black queenly outfit outlined w. crimson. My lower half feels spiderish, appears Xenomorph, and is covered w. multi - primal appearing - personal appendages (adult content). I am well equipped to take on my army. Hot reds and blacks- I am beautiful, mesmerizing, and terrifying. I am covered with teeth as well, fangs and claws.

I like the new look. It’s all me.

“Your divinity is within…” he says as I leave.

I managed to infuse part of this meditation into my description of the Fun House:
My Dark energies rose up and I saw orange-reds form into the shape of a sun and deep black sweeps everywhere else which is a wide expanse that seems to go on forever. It's so beautiful and feels sublime. This forms into an emblem that becomes a part of my head as a doll. My doll is beautiful and she eats treats and sips tea with other dolls. And wanders about looking at the shops and chattering with all the diverse dolls about!

Not too surprised, but I also managed to miss describing part of the Fun House. Oops.

I circle back now to do both Fun House & Doll House meditations...and there are fascinating changes! I realize there are endless opportunities during carnivale because we transform and change which means the next time we jump on a ride...or enter a spooky house...it will take on new forms. New messages. New gifts. It's Wild. And I could write forever, so I won't.

I did Meditation a second time.
The two fleshbeings with knifes were not so strong. I was fighting and escaped.
And then endless darkness only darkness
I observed myself but there was only darkness
When I was a child I was afraid of darkness
In the second room dark passion were coming up
Once again Dr. Secha worked on my Solar Plexus.
What a perfekt doll I was fiercy and with weapons hidden to defend myself

It is amazing. When Dr. Secha made me a creepy strong doll he worked with my Solar Plexus.
I feel more confident.
I am a fan of M'phera and she gave me a kiss. It was sweet.
At last the heavy dark energies felt like a blanket

The dollhouse! Oh boy!

It's always fun to see the dollhouse, especially with how much fun I’ve already been having so far.

Running around, looking around. I felt like I needed to be free to see what happens. This year… The doctor made me something different.

I felt like “me”, and I was beautiful. I wasn't a doll, or monster, or even slightly off. I was me, the other dolls were watching me, like I was royalty among them. Walking through in strange and regal black clothing, feeling all eyes on me. But I didn't mind, I didn't care.

And then, I was on my butt outside the dollhouse.