Satan and Suns

I was excited
Who will come through?
I felt familiar energies and sensation on my lips
A kiss...the smell of sun on the skin...
My Solar Commander, he comfort me

I was going to go ahead to the Unmasking, but I decided to do this one again since the last time just went ** Poof **
Once again, after the first kiss, everything went blank
I had a pretty good idea of who it was, so I tried to touch base with her directly the next night, but with a result that wasn't much better

I've always had my share of female friends, but anything beyond that has always been an epic struggle. No matter what I did, I was either ignored or screamed at for trying and then discarded without a second thought the minute somebody better came into the room.
The closest I've ever come to an actual relationship was with a friend who knew I was interested, and I knew that she absolutely was not; but we had that understanding and while we were never intimate, we had a lot of fun together.
The closest I've ever been to love was... well... married.
We were both in abusive relationships, so we could talk about things from a perspective of one who understands the fear and control issues that keep us trying to deal with it. We became pretty close for a while, and while I have long suspected that where were a lot more feelings between us than either of us wanted to admit, but she cut ties and ran away before we got to the point of exploring any of that.

It's like there's a huge block that prevents me from exploring any kind of intimacy.
The prominence of the war aspect might tie into this, not wanting to get too close to anybody because they might not come back from the next patrol.

I was thinking about what I could do about this when it occurred to me that Belial could help.
OK... Why Belial? I'm pretty sure that as an idea that came from outside because it's not something I would have thought of.

Digging into this, I find that he is the God of War, so he would have a deep understanding of war as well as the changes it brings and the passions behind it.
Also, the Goddess of Love often has a warrior aspect, so there's that connection.
Charisma, outwitting rivals, and challenging social norms while also illuminating the path to self-realization and authenticity.
Hmmm...

I called to him last night and he worked on my energy for a couple hours while I slept.
The only thing I really remember is a fleet of plain Jane but immaculate black '69 Chevelles and The Pretenders' "Brass In Pocket" playing in the background
"Gonna make you, make you, make you notice me..."
I don't really know how to describe it, but I feel different

Idk @ first what I was witnessing. a number of expressions that I didn’t know their meaning. and then, once in the ballroom, a pressure built within my chest, like fire, and it pulled me outside into the snow. I can’t describe what I experienced after that so I just gave over to it, closed my eyes, and let it flow …..

….and then suddenly I realized what “this” was! It was so amazing, so beautiful, so beyond the human comprehension …. I didn’t want it to end. daughter, sister, mother, lover, my child-my heart, fire, flame, dragon, pumpkin, companions, colors, smoke, trees, earth….. grandmother with granddaughter, grandmother as granddaughter ……timeless….
She tells me that we didn’t want to restrict our experience of ourselves to one thing… so, no limits.
and so we flowed into everything, through everything, all at once.
It was all Me, all of it. and I stood there, with me,
Not a river of time flowing - but a rain drop quivering on an eyelash.

I recognize my tfs, revealing with my higher self. everything flowing through me and having this experience/expression as mySelf.

A very beautiful meditation! Ynax, my Mutilation Halloween Demon companion gives me my first snow kiss. The energies are so mesmerizing and our information exchange is clear and purposeful.

We spend time outside, then rejoin the party. We talk and gaze about at all the decorative sights. At the end of our time walking through the Ball holding hands, Kell is there. She is my Elven Handmaiden of Lilith companion and is one of the most graceful and lovely individuals I've ever met.

Kell reiterates what Ynax had just been talking about. All three of us are Land Readers. Ynax explains why this is an important role within societies. The lands speak & if one takes the time, they can hear the messages and know what lies ahead.