I guess that's probably where I was when I thought, this is going to be easy! I know what the problem is and even what I have to do to fix it! When something happens, don't shut down. I can do that.
Well... Yes, I could do that. And I did. But what happened next I really wasn't prepared for; dealing with the emotions.
20+ years of shutting down and suppressing everything, you can't expect to just suddenly be able to do it. It doesn't work that way. You need to learn how to deal with them.
My first attempt at this, was really bad.
Something happened, I caught myself shutting down and stopped. However, it quickly got out of control. I had no idea why I was reacting that way to the situation, plus the feelings and emotions were overwhelming. Then of course, now that I'm not holding back at all, here comes 20+ years of suppressed memories and feelings right on top of it.
Total mental breakdown. Right back to where I was the night I almost killed myself.
It was so bad that King O actually, physically appeared in front of me to snap me out of it.
When I got back to a somewhat normal state I thought, wow, that was really bad... Yeah, that's an understatement lol
The following day I saw Satyra had posted a link to the Leviathan's Calming Seas Magickal. I had seen it before but didn't think I had any use for it. Now, I thought, maybe this is just what I need... I ordered it.
When it arrived my first thought was, ooh it's so beautiful *-* I took it out of the bag it had come in and held it. My hand felt funny, like a tingling feeling and I couldn't hold on to it. I had to switch hands or put it down.
It was late at night then (I had worked all day so didn't check the mail until after work), so I left it on my nightstand next to me and went to sleep.
The next day, I had to face exactly the same thing I had failed so miserably at the week before. I didn't see it coming so when it happened, I started backing away. I felt horrible but I didn't want to lose control again and feel the way I felt last time... I ended up in my bedroom, pacing around. King O told me to get the Magickal, as I hadn't had it with me, then go back and try again.
I did.
Holding it in my hand, I went back to face the situation. I was kind of nervous at first but didn't feel nearly as bad as I had a little bit earlier and nowhere near as bad as the week before. I progressed, slowly at first. But I did it! I was able to stay calm and analyze everything that was going on. What happened, why it made me feel certain ways and even how to deal with the emotions and react in a positive way. The results were incredible and something really amazing happened because of it.
The next few times I had to face similar situations, I kept it with me. If not holding it, I had it near me or in my pocket, etc.
Same thing. I was able to remain calm and work through it.
I took it to work with me one day (King O suggested it) and it was a completely different experience. Part of what I was dealing with was social phobias. Having it with me, I was so calm and, I don't know. My energy was different? Every single person I passed said hi and was really cheerful. Even the mean/grumpy ones lol A lot of them stopped or went out of their way to have entire conversations with me. I didn't feel any fear or panic. I was comfortable and relaxed the whole time.
Another way I used it was during guided meditation with King O. It came with very lovely candles which I used for focus while holding the magickal and meditating on emotional mastery.
Using it over the course of a few weeks, I was able to re-program my behavior entirely.
I haven't shut down at all, I don't even think about it. It's like that's not even a possibility anymore. Things happen now and I deal with them in a calm, rational manner.
I do still get angry sometimes (I am human after all lol) but I recognize it's natural and healthy in those cases. I'm then able to understand why I'm angry and take actions to deal with my anger or fix the situation so I can get past it.
It's been truly amazing ^-^
I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to use it and very thankful to Yllidra and Satyra for offering something so wonderful. Thank you Ladies
at first i felt so sad for you, going through all that pain 
But as your story went on I perked up and by the end i was punching the air for you LOL you really are coming on leaps and bounds on your journey and its lovely to see! 
