The Source of My Fear

[judiss]

Hello everyone,

I just read this article by Connolly basically says all my spiritual pursuits are doomed to fail/plateau if I have fear. So, I was hoping the community could help me overcome mine. I'm not easily frightened, but coming from a small conservative, Christian, majority-White city I had the fear of all things not-Jesus attempted to be instilled in me. I'd not believed any of it until one experience with a self-proclaimed "former Satanist" when I was younger.

I'd tried to get into the occult following fascination and intuition. What stopped me was the words of a supervisor (the former-Satanist) when I was working at the hospital. He was my favourite supervisor because everyone else found him a bit obtuse (dark sense of humour, conspiracy theorist, etc.) but we clicked. We got along so well that one day, during our lunch break, he looked at me and said "do you believe in magick"? I thought he was going to pull a coin from behind my ear! I shrugged and said "well", but he continued anyways: "like dark magic? Ah, whatever, nobody believes it." But I pressed him about it because clearly he believes! Then he told me that he "dabbled in black magick" when he was my age and it took him 20 years to finally back all the out of it. He claimed that after practicing such magick, paranormal phenomena began to plague him. He told me he owned a Satanic bible (I assumed by Anton LaVey) and it would always move to a strange place when he leaves the room. When he and his friends were hanging out in a church, a sizeable cross fell off the wall and knocked one of them out (they fled immediately while, reportedly, soiling themselves). He also described having nightmares, seeing odd shadows, etc. Anyway, point is: it disturbed him to a point of near insanity. Do note, there were two good occurrences also. My immediate thought was this sounds just like a horror movie - he's got to be pulling my leg. I mean... come on! But he looked me dead in the eyes and made me promise to him I'll never try this stuff. Boy would he be disappointed if he knew...

Now. I don't know the details of his path or his practices, but the horrors he described to me follow me, ingrained in my mind. Whenever I try anything ritualistic or "magickal", there's this fear hindering me. So, to all of you who are seasoned practitioners and seem to be in one piece, are these legitimate concerns? Did he simply encounter "parasites" or sludges? Or, of course, does it just sound like he's mentally unstable and never "dabbled" at all?

Thank you for reading!

[Red6joker]

From what I know, dabblers who just dabblers can and sometimes do open doors to things they just don't understand. Or they are not open enough to understand what is going on around them. Then things start to happen out of their control and things CAN go south from there.

Coming to this forum and trying to learn is a great first step. Read anything and everything, research is going to help you when things start to happen. Everyone is different and something that happens to one person might not happen to another. I used to have things happen to me until I came into the LHP now it's much more mellow in a sense, and I am not worried about getting attacked or anything because I have complete faith in my companions to help me.

I won't say he sounds unstable. It just sounds like he was into it more as a fad to appear "dark" rather than be serious, and was unprepared for what could happen. But I don't know this guy as much as you do.

Everyone has felt fear in regards to trying something new, and if you let that stop you then you won't get far in ANYTHING.

Just take it one step at a time.

[Aprophis]

Did he simply encounter "parasites" or sludges? Or, of course, does it just sound like he's mentally unstable and never "dabbled" at all?

Only he would know. Just like not everything is demons, not everything is parasites or sludges either. There are generally dangerous beings out there, that you can stumble upon at any time. No matter from which race. Theoretically you can pick them up by walking the streets or sometimes they might just randomly walk into your home, if you don't have protection up.
It's just that most of the time nothing happens.

Also dabblers who do black magick often might skip on protection and cleansing, especially if they're young with an overblown ego and think nothing can touch them.

[Preston]

Fear is part, for you yourself, have not been a Christian lived in a place where the majority are Christian when you are a Christian or live in such a conservative place indirectly by the people around you-you are slightly influenced.

I always live surrounded by Christians, my family is also Christian and even after a few months I have taken the decision to follow this path with demonology if I say I do not feel a little afraid I would be lying but what makes me lose the fear is to remember the contempt I felt for the Christians, to remember the hypocrisy, to remember that they said that the fault for not achieving a certain goal was a lack of faith and that faith was the amount of money to give to the church.

Something that I do and work very well and hate, because when my son died in my arms I asked the Christian God and I was not answered, the Christians who attended me only said, "God knows all things" or "It's the God's will, "this energy of hatred I always try to remember her and I ask Satan to remove the doubt or uncertainty of my heart, see the reports in the forum because there is great content and will learn a lot, other times maybe find their answers alone this walk will get you there is a much better place.

[User3246]

I found a ritual I can use to banish fear, or any other emotion, then re-absorb the energy I used. Relax into a trance state, then hold your hands so that the palms face each other in front of you, and are 5 or 6 inches apart. Spend several minutes creating the image of a magic flame between your hands. See it flicker and move, and make it a bright red in color. Know that it is YOUR flame, and you call it and can control it, and it cannot hurt you even if you place a hand into the center of it. Bring up all your feelings of anger, and push them into the flame. Feed the fire! See it crackling and burning up the energy, and very tiny particles of pure gold light form from the destruction of your anger, and are re-absorbed into your body. I use a green flame to destroy fear. You can use any color that represents an emotion to you. I use violet for pain/agony. This really works! There is something about the properties of elemental fire which can consume emotions, and release the pure energies you used when you created them.

[judiss]

Thank you for your posts!!

Everyone is different and something that happens to one person might not happen to another.

First of all, thank you for the last two lines - they were very inspiring! It's true - fear is crippling and I have discovered now, where I'm unafraid of this world I know, it's everything outside of it that I am (very) afraid of. Anyway, I wanted to share this: I was thinking over this quoted point and my first thought was "then everything is BS! If things are inconsistent between people's reported experiences of what should be the same thing then that just means it's all imagination and personal subconsciousness" but I took a step back and thought about it again with another approach and... What you said actually makes a lot of sense. Thank you. Maybe this is a "chiasm" where science and spirituality intersects - there are lots of things in (molecular) research that just don't work all the time even though they're supposed to, and things that aren't supposed to work but they do for different people at different times. However, that said, I will continue my approach in trying to qualify what is consistent and capturing the quantifiable.

I won't say he sounds unstable. It just sounds like he was into it more as a fad to appear "dark" rather than be serious, and was unprepared for what could happen. But I don't know this guy as much as you do.

I mean... do we every truly know anyone? Kidding aside, I can definitely believe your read of his behaviour.

Theoretically you can pick them up by walking the streets or sometimes they might just randomly walk into your home, if you don't have protection up.
...
Also dabblers who do black magick often might skip on protection and cleansing, especially if they're young with an overblown ego and think nothing can touch them.

A terrifying sentiment. But, I suppose it goes to show: as with sex and magick, always practice safety.

I ask Satan to remove the doubt or uncertainty of my heart

I can appreciate that. For this reason I've often wondered if this path I'm walking could only lead to a dead end. After all, from all religions I've encountered, blind faith is one of the main requirements. That's why Satanism appealed to me so much; it's a religion emphasizing critical thinking, healthy skepticism, and finding truth - not just what people say is true. But how, right? Isn't spirituality as we know it is a force that disappears if we question it? Regardless, the doubt that I have towards the occult is matched only by my love for it and were I to give up either, it would not feel right. That said, perhaps the doubt I should ask Satan to remove from me is this doubt in my own abilities!

Thank you for sharing your stories with me!

[judiss]

I found a ritual I can use to banish fear, or any other emotion, then re-absorb the energy I used. Relax into a trance state, then hold your hands so that the palms face each other in front of you, and are 5 or 6 inches apart. Spend several minutes creating the image of a magic flame between your hands. See it flicker and move, and make it a bright red in color. Know that it is YOUR flame, and you call it and can control it, and it cannot hurt you even if you place a hand into the center of it. Bring up all your feelings of anger, and push them into the flame. Feed the fire! See it crackling and burning up the energy, and very tiny particles of pure gold light form from the destruction of your anger, and are re-absorbed into your body. I use a green flame to destroy fear. You can use any color that represents an emotion to you. I use violet for pain/agony. This really works! There is something about the properties of elemental fire which can consume emotions, and release the pure energies you used when you created them.

This sounds very useful! Would this be considered "visualization"? And what's the difference between a meditative state, a trance state, and a deep trance state?

[laalbieglna]

As far as your friend...well, part of my answer is that people often begin to dabble without fully grasping the reality of the entities they're inviting. For example, how many people do you know who are self-proclaimed Christians, but who have never once had a direct experience of being in palpable contact with their God? Most people around us inherit their religion, and literally do not expect to have a direct contact until the day they die.

I think most of us probably began in that place, and when contact does happen, especially if we only have a single, rigid way of interpreting experiences according to a very narrow and exclusive set of beliefs, it can be disruptive and terrifying. As other posters have already stated, it doesn't all have to be sludges and parasites, but those are also a reality, especially for someone who isn't emotionally grounded, is inexperienced in general, and doesn't yet have a spiritual discipline that includes energetic defense and spiritual and emotional hygiene, as it were.

An experience doesn't have to be objectively "evil" or dangerous to be subjectively terrifying. It sounds like your friend had a single context for his dabbling -- "black magic". He was set up to have terrifying experiences if he had any experiences at all, regardless of the entities and their intentions. I don't pretend to know which entities and what intentions those actually were, but consider that if you can only understand overtly paranormal experiences as evil, threatening, and frightening, that is the experience you'll have, no matter which entity it is, even if they're just trying to get your attention the only way that they really can; though let it be said that we've often been fed a very fluffy, babyish interpretation of what a god's help is supposed to look like, and it can be very shocking and alarming when the paces they put you through, personal work they expect from you, and changes they trigger in your life actually feel threatening and challenging. They demand much, beginning with unwavering respect, and potentially leading all the way through dismantling your identity and putting it back together piece by piece. So they also require an enormous amount of trust and long-haul personal commitment.

I get it. I started out as a Christianity-hating, truly embittered sort of "all gods are manifestations of the one" wiccanish pagan. I ended up a hard-core devotional polytheist whose practice includes demonolatry and who's been baptized in a Pentecostal church in all sincerity out of gratitude because Jesus is one of the deities I've had a direct, life-changing experience with -- since the polytheism.

If it's any help at all, I would wish for you that you are able to not fear, and not blame that particular god for the shenanigans of his purported followers. If you can, accept them and respect where they are on their paths as you go your own way. This is about you and your relationships with your holy powers -- it doesn't ever have to be about the people surrounding you.

If it is important to you to know this due to your upbringing, he loves everyone as they are and does not demand that you change who you are, only that you walk in his compassion and accept his grace. If not, know that there are deities who are involved in your life already and they care about you and are going to help you walk your path as you are willing to discover and follow it. Be safe, discern the character of entities as you would that of your fellow human beings, but do not be afraid that you are selling yourself into damnation by going down a path different from the one you were raised with.

[judiss]

Hi laalbieglna, thank you for the thorough response. I want to start by saying there is no hate in my heart for YHVH, there is just no love. Most of this is because of how blind the majority of his followers are. So I couldn't agree more with:

how many people do you know who are self-proclaimed Christians, but who have never once had a direct experience of being in palpable contact with their God? Most people around us inherit their religion, and literally do not expect to have a direct contact until the day they die.

So I guess, on the topic of my fears, another aspect of what I'm so afraid of is ending up like them. What if I'm just as misguided as them? What if it's all in my head? So I'm very curious about what you said:

Jesus is one of the deities I've had a direct, life-changing experience with -- since the polytheism.

You've actually met Jesus? What was that like? How could discern that it was Jesus since I've read that visual representations of deities are almost always inaccurate, misleading, or varies between people. I'm not invalidating your experience; I just would like to know! (If I could privately message you, I would. But I can't apparently because I'm light blue) Of course, if you'd rather not talk about it I understand - volunteer ethics and all that.

Thanks in advance!

[Oceanos]

Yes, he was just a dabbler, and from what I've personally seen, magick and entities do not take too kindly to dabblers. You open doors to places that arent soo easy to close. The more in control you and knowledgeable you are the less risk you face and the easier it is to close any accidental doors that get open that you may not want. Practice makes perfect as they say, and dabblers dont really practice at all. Thats just my two cents on it.