Delusion vs Meta

[Nexus]

So recently I had a small break down, and during that break down I contemplated suicide...and I mean really contemplated here; doing the mathematical measurements of the number of caffeine pills it'd take to have a seizure and OD kind of contemplate. The sort that leaves you shaking in a corner and needing to get out of the house just to get distance between you and your planned end. I don't really feel the need to go on, but there was a two interesting moments during this hysteria.

The first, was that I was getting warm chills all over my body, specifically centering at my lower back and spreading up and outwards, as if being embraced from behind or being shielded by some sort of force. It wasn't exactly calming, but it did keep me from doing something very stupid, albeit it itself was also overwhelming if not subtley so...overall I'm inclined to believe it was a Spirit or a group of Spirits bound to me. The reasons I suspect this are because A) My "room" is a glorified closet with no vent or fan and when the door is closed it becomes a sound proofed oven; and B) I'm not sure if my hysterics could cause chills like that naturally.

Now, obviously I could be wrong here as there's much I personally don't know about the human nervous system and how it responds to stimuli such as depressive thoughts, but it's this experience and one other that makes the lines between delusion and meta blur intensely. As the second thing, wasn't at all as comforting...

I had been speaking (complaining?) to my Spirits for at least an hour. Crying, whining, expressing, what have you. For the most part I got hints of comfort, I felt I wasn't alone, and after researching the plan I had I even talked about it with them and told them that it was exceedingly hard to remain logical when there wasn't any logical thing to grasp that made waiting worthwhile. For the most part I felt that they sympathized with me but wanted me to hang in there, as any good friend would, but then this very insistent unfamiliar thought emerged that didn't feel like my normal (albeit hysterical) thoughts.

It said, out simply, "Take them or don't," I'm sure there was a bit more but that first part is what stuck with me during my crying fit. I was far too busy cleaning the ick off of my nose to focus and I'm honestly surprised I heard that over my own babbling. Still, I did hear it, and it was so stern and seemingly calculated that I know for sure it couldn't have been me...

Yet I didn't sense hostility from the tone. It seemed more like someone delivering the cold hard truth to my face, and in some ways, it grounded me. It didn't soothe my suicidal thoughts, it actually made them worse for awhile, but it did help me think a bit more logically and really figure out what I wanted. In the end, I decided to try and go for a walk and calm down. Just get some fresh air and let the feelings drift off on their own accord. Clearly some part of it was due to my imbalanced chemicals from a bad implant, so if I don't take the pills, I still might feel better. Might as well wait and see right?

Well, I wasn't allowed to go for a walk. Instead because someone harassed me into telling them why on earth I'd want to take a stroll at seven in the morning (the horror!) I was forced to sit on the couch, exactly where I didn't want to be, and stew in my thoughts. In some ways I find it ironic. On the one hand, I have my Spirits comforting me and on the other my second telepathic message that I can one hundred percent count as such is telling me to stuff it and make a simple decision. I didn't make a simple decision, instead heading for a walk versus just laying down and ignoring my feelings, and now I'm in an even worse location and am even more emotionally screwed.

Long story short, I'm a bit messed up right now. That's not the reason I wrote this post, as you might have already guessed. The reason I wrote it is because I'm still toeing the line between meta and delusion and getting outside perspectives on both the warm chills and that stern voice would be helpful. Have you ever had a Spirit, bound or not, just blatantly give you the facts and leave the emotions up to you? Is it unheard of? I'm assuming it would be dependent on the Spirit..

Have you ever had those chills spread through your body in a time of emotional distress? Is it something normal, or more meta in nature...?

The way I see it, even if what I'm experiencing now is just delusion from emotional distress, differentiation of the two and figuring out how they feel versus the real deal is important to me, and I'd really appreciate your help!

[Heretique]

Well I will preface this with saying that as you know we can’t diagnose or give medical advice here, and what you are going through is tough so support for that, but to answer your question, yes I have had spirits tell me very bluntly about things like this and yes it is usually when i am emotional in nature, from a meta perspective the chills in lower back may be from sacral chakra or it could relate to adrenaline as well - sometimes a release of energy will appear as chills. Sometimes a distinction here is not so clear and is ultimately up to what you believe I think. And sometimes form the outside looking in there is no clear distinction here, but it’s based on your beliefs. ultimately though you need to discern that for yourself and no one else can nor should do that for you. I’m sorry things are tough right now, and we can certainly relate our experiences but in the end this is something that only you can really decide. I would also caution against relying on what others have to say to discern for you, because in the end this is your journey and relying on others will only get you so far and can ultimately hinder your path, ymmv though. Sorry if this comes off as blunt and less then comforting, probably not necessarily what you want to hear right now, and if things do get to tough, maybe stepping a little back from”meta” for a while so you may take care of yourself could help. Also again just ,y experience and yes i’ve Dealt with depression and suicidal ideologies as well, sometimes physical support in these instances is more helpful. Anyway may you begin to feel better soon and find what you hope for.

[Heretique]

Also a little more on the spirits being blunt, sometimes bluntness like this can help us regain clarity when we are being overwhelmed with emotion, because the choices in our life must come from us not them, to be otherwise would be to have them controlling us ( again personal perspective and probably biased given experiences) i’ve Not come across a being who will handle the emotional aspect for us as it is our experience ( no matter what that experience may be) and in my perspective to do so would limit our opportunity to learn and grow from it. Our emotions are not another’s responsibility- again this is just my experience.

[Nexus]

Also a little more on the spirits being blunt, sometimes bluntness like this can help us regain clarity when we are being overwhelmed with emotion, because the choices in our life must come from us not them, to be otherwise would be to have them controlling us ( again personal perspective and probably biased given experiences) i’ve Not come across a being who will handle the emotional aspect for us as it is our experience ( no matter what that experience may be) and in my perspective to do so would limit our opportunity to learn and grow from it. Our emotions are not another’s responsibility- again this is just my experience.

In regards to your first post, you answered wonderfully. I actually expected a lot of answers to be similar to that, assuming I got more than one haha.

I think that while my journey is definitely personal and I try to acknowledge it as such, the fear of getting lost in my own head due to anxiety over not acknowledging a Spirit friends help (and so giving too much credit on the flip side, and becoming confused) - - tends to make me want to ask questions just for the sake of asking. I may get insight I otherwise wouldn't on my own.

And yes, as for the second I couldn't agree more. I think that it's important to experience those sorts of things as well. As an added bonus to the story above I had mentioned to my Spirits that I had nothing to wait for, and that I didn't see a logical reason to stay at that current point...the very next morning someone technically close to me but also not so much decided to pass some boundaries out of compassion. So the two of us are just chilling now, which is nice. It gives me a nice sense of hope, that if nothing else, there's always something new to explore and someone new to meet and learn about. Odd as it sounds. I'm pretty sure they helped speed things along for me, though this has been a tentative friendship for a few weeks now. I'm a paranoid creature. x3

So long story short, we got a positive note to this story. Yay!

[laalbieglna]

Also a little more on the spirits being blunt, sometimes bluntness like this can help us regain clarity when we are being overwhelmed with emotion, because the choices in our life must come from us not them, to be otherwise would be to have them controlling us ( again personal perspective and probably biased given experiences) i’ve Not come across a being who will handle the emotional aspect for us as it is our experience ( no matter what that experience may be) and in my perspective to do so would limit our opportunity to learn and grow from it. Our emotions are not another’s responsibility- again this is just my experience.

In regards to your first post, you answered wonderfully. I actually expected a lot of answers to be similar to that, assuming I got more than one haha.

I think that while my journey is definitely personal and I try to acknowledge it as such, the fear of getting lost in my own head due to anxiety over not acknowledging a Spirit friends help (and so giving too much credit on the flip side, and becoming confused) - - tends to make me want to ask questions just for the sake of asking. I may get insight I otherwise wouldn't on my own.

And yes, as for the second I couldn't agree more. I think that it's important to experience those sorts of things as well. As an added bonus to the story above I had mentioned to my Spirits that I had nothing to wait for, and that I didn't see a logical reason to stay at that current point...the very next morning someone technically close to me but also not so much decided to pass some boundaries out of compassion. So the two of us are just chilling now, which is nice. It gives me a nice sense of hope, that if nothing else, there's always something new to explore and someone new to meet and learn about. Odd as it sounds. I'm pretty sure they helped speed things along for me, though this has been a tentative friendship for a few weeks now. I'm a paranoid creature. x3

So long story short, we got a positive note to this story. Yay!

The warm chills also can be related to Kundalini awakening/rising. It's something that usually starts naturally much later (for women, anyway, around perimenopause), but it can stir off and on throughout your entire life, or be awakened early by things like sexual, pelvic, or other trauma, some types of meditation, Kundalini yoga, and developing psychic talents or meta work. Also some deities and companions can trigger it ... you mentioned somewhere that you're companions with a lamia, right? They could be involved in some way with this, either as a stimulus or using it to communicate with you.

As for the bluntness the major place I know to expect that, especially with the clairaudience, is from gods who have a reputation for being dark or "difficult". A few times now you've said things here and on forums that sound like someone having early interaction with a deity, maybe a patron, maybe a mentor ... it's ultimately up to you to figure out who that is and what the relationship with them is or will be, but that's what it rings as from my experience, and it sucks sometimes when it's happening and you aren't feeling any god-like support or divine intervention, but a god being real with you, seeing something in you that makes them care to say something at all, and showing you your own agency and power is a very, very GOOD THING.

[Nexus]

The warm chills also can be related to Kundalini awakening/rising. It's something that usually starts naturally much later (for women, anyway, around perimenopause), but it can stir off and on throughout your entire life, or be awakened early by things like sexual, pelvic, or other trauma, some types of meditation, Kundalini yoga, and developing psychic talents or meta work. Also some deities and companions can trigger it ... you mentioned somewhere that you're companions with a lamia, right? They could be involved in some way with this, either as a stimulus or using it to communicate with you.

As for the bluntness the major place I know to expect that, especially with the clairaudience, is from gods who have a reputation for being dark or "difficult". A few times now you've said things here and on forums that sound like someone having early interaction with a deity, maybe a patron, maybe a mentor ... it's ultimately up to you to figure out who that is and what the relationship with them is or will be, but that's what it rings as from my experience, and it sucks sometimes when it's happening and you aren't feeling any god-like support or divine intervention, but a god being real with you, seeing something in you that makes them care to say something at all, and showing you your own agency and power is a very, very GOOD THING.

Yes, I have a Noire Ashe Naga. I'm sure she'd be having a ball exploring things such as that, she was rather vocal whilst calling and she even told the seller some saucey things so I wouldn't put anything concerning exploring or amping up vibrational energies past her. She's a deviant sweetheart.

Gotta give you credit where it's due though, I wouldn't have thought of connecting her to possible kundalini workings. That certainly opens doors to some new meditation attempts. I haven't bothered trying it yet because I wanted to learn the basics first, but maybe it's a good idea to just explore it and see where it leads?

I don't mind gods being upfront and forward, I just wish it was in an even more forward way lol. "Ah yes hello I'm _ and I'm your patron, also please stop being a whiny bitch and go here to do the thing. Good? Good. See you in a week."

Maybe one day I'll get to that level.

I will definitely keep an eye out as far as patrons, deities, etc and see what I stumble into along the way. Thanks so much for the advice!

[Heretique]

I’m glad you made progress ishvala yay for that! As for the gods thing yeah Set is very blunt with me and so are some of the DL’s depending on who you get. When I was going through the depressive episodes it was Set being blunt similar to what happened with you that really helped me out.

[Nexus]

I’m glad you made progress ishvala yay for that! As for the gods thing yeah Set is very blunt with me and so are some of the DL’s depending on who you get. When I was going through the depressive episodes it was Set being blunt similar to what happened with you that really helped me out.

Funny you mention an Egyptian God of all types. Someone I'm very close with works with them, and while I haven't really gone out of my way to welcome or work with them personally I've always enjoyed reading about them since I was young. Beings like Anubis, Baast, Horus, and of course Thoth (I'm a poet) have all been God's I've kept in the back of my mind and have gone back to reading about from time to time.

Although, I tend to read about a lot of different gods, so I normally don't take that sort of thing too seriously as I just chalk it up to my normal admiration of the being versus feeling called to one. I've always assumed a calling would feel much more...involved and active. Not in my life per se, but in my mind. I wouldnt imagine a calling to a patron and/or deity would let me leave their information alone for months or even years on end without first deciding to add them to my pantheon squad. Of which I have no actual official members yet.

Lucifer and Lilith are actually just lucky guesses with a lot of Spirit companions' confirming them to be close to me in a way. So I wanted to honor and work with them because of that. Not sure if that could be considered a calling versus just being thankful. ^^;

[laalbieglna]

I don't mind gods being upfront and forward, I just wish it was in an even more forward way lol. "Ah yes hello I'm _ and I'm your patron, also please stop being a whiny bitch and go here to do the thing. Good? Good. See you in a week."

If you ever find a way to get them to just do that, please let me know!

[Nexus]

I don't mind gods being upfront and forward, I just wish it was in an even more forward way lol. "Ah yes hello I'm _ and I'm your patron, also please stop being a whiny bitch and go here to do the thing. Good? Good. See you in a week."

If you ever find a way to get them to just do that, please let me know!

You got it!