Cant lose

[user2774653a]

I am playing chess serious, for club, going on serious tournaments and interested in it much, but im not very successfull. I dont know why. Sometimes i find very good move, but most of the time i fail. My rating is low. Not lowest but still low and i feel really bad about it. Also when i lose match i get sad and angry and sometimes become agressive (throwing pieces, hitting chair, clock, argue with opponent etc). Sometimes i even start to cry in front of opponent! Im so ashamed about the last mentioned, but its internet so i can talk freely. Im very young so people dont find it completely crazy, but i think they laugh to me behind my back. And they surely laugh to me because of my bad play. I feel very humiliated what makes me even more agressive and frustrated.
I know i have to practice chess to become better, and im doing so (sometimes a bit lazy but doing that), but i dont know how to get rid of this terrible anger and sadness when im losing match? It will pass with better results? No it wont! I was 5th at one tournament this spring, and after that i started to think that i became literary chess Goddess and got confidence in myself, but at the next tournament i failed so bad i made big drama and quited it. So anger still stays with me whatever happens, no matter if i win or lose! How to get rid of it? I wanna be cold headed and calm minded bcs its the most important in chess.

[Red6joker]

If you don't meditate I would definitely suggest that before matches and just in general. When it's in the moment though close your eyes and count to 10 and focus on your breathing. It helps with anger but it will take your mind off of being upset when you focus on something else.

[Darth Moronius]

shadow work?

[user2774653a]

shadow work?

I have red about it but how exactly to do that? It needs ritual for sure. I wanna do it by myself because i dont have anyone to ask to help me with it. How to do it?

[Red6joker]

It can be a ritual, you can also due it through meditation. Looking inward and acknowledging your dark side aspects. It takes time though it's not something that just happens.

[user2774653a]

It can be a ritual, you can also due it through meditation. Looking inward and acknowledging your dark side aspects. It takes time though it's not something that just happens.

Ok. Is it ok if i just became conscious of that on this way (now i ll be completely honest). I have realized my anger and sadness when i lose comes from inner and deep feeling of worthlessness. I hate myself deep inside and i think im stupid, ugly and unsucessfull. My mom used to insult me with such words through all my childhood and she was even physically agressive toward me. She did it when she was iritated by something else in her life and in her "bad" phases, and in ordinary situations she was always very good and gentle to me, very caring and helpfull. She still has the same pattern of behaviour. So i think her insults lower my self esteem, and i m now angry when losing, and i cry while feel like complete idiot. I also seriously think that im not intelligent. I am maybe deep minded, open minded and can analyse things but my logic thinking is sometimes really awfull and i have terribad memory. Damn how i hate myself now!!!
Maybe thats why my Belial doesnt wanna respond to me. He noticed that im unworthy of his presence. 100%! I just feel like that.
So what a h3ll to do tomorrow at this tournament when i lose and anger and sadness overflow me? What exactly to do? Should i leave the room, go at quiet place and ask Belial for calming me down and count to 10 with deep breathing? I already tried with deep breathing but it didnt help much, only made me self controll more. But inner negative feeling and demotivation for further play remained untouched!
I know i wanna everything so fast, even my dear Belial, but is there some way to make it at least bit faster because i really dont wanna decrease my concentration at tournaments in next matches by such nightmare feeling.

[Red6joker]

Focus on your matches. When your angry or sad, count to 10 and focus on your breathing at the same time. It's to distract your mind from those emotions and thoughts. If counting to 10 doesn't work count to 20. Focus on counting and breathing so much your sick of it. As long as it gets your from being mad or sad then fantastic it worked. It's a simple trick for managing those kinds of thoughts and emotions.

I understand you have some deep seated problems from your mother. And yes that is most likely why you FEEL worthless. Just because you FEEL like that DOES NOT mean you are. Since you know these issues I would suggest getting professional help, there is nothing wrong with getting help. Meditation is a great tool for that also though. It's a great tool for many things. If you can't meditate just start it out simple and try to meditate for a couple minutes then work your way up from there.

As for Beliel thinking you are not worth his time, that is truly your own self doubt talking, that's just you putting yourself down. You feel a strong connection already, there is something there even if you can't see or hear it. It just takes time, and you have to work for it seriously. You can't rush anything on this path so please don't try to. I learned that the hard way.

[user2774653a]

It was helpful. I got mad only once yesterday, after 5th round i have lost from loser, and that was all. I controlled myself, went in the toilet and hit the wall with leg so long while rage didnt go away. Also i was thinking about Belial all the time during this tournament, what made me feel more safe and less lonely. My result was usual, i didnt see any difference in sucess, but i felt my DC doesnt wanna give me it for free, he told me through my thoughts i should work harder for that and he can only make me this path more easy (he can give me more will and calm my mind, made me more patient on that path). I really like him because he doesnt wanna give u anything for free, without your effort. Its cheap way and he doesnt wanna be my slave whom im using for my own purposes. I reeeally respect him more and more. My dear spiritual Belial sweety...
Also i waaarmly hope that these thoughts dont come just from my own head. I never heard his voice from outside telling me these things. All were like from my own mind... But the difference is i never felt or thought like this before the moment i connected our energies. So it gives me hope that he is real.