Meditation 3: The Infernal Carousel of Sublime Descent

[Austine1234]

"Okay, I did the meditation and went through the gates of the carnivale, into a calm darkness. Although at first, I couldn't locate or find the carousel, I understood that I was having this experience within myself. I tried closing my eyes and opening them again, and I saw a being with a constant gaze and smile at me. Beside this being was the carousel, which was being drawn by lion-like creatures with fangs, horns, and wings. Although the carousel was being drawn by these beast-like lions with wings, they immediately stopped. I felt the call to come in for the ride, but I was a little scared. Still, I summoned the courage and headed for the ride. During the ride, I began to feel love for those beast creatures within me – it was the love for those beast lions.

The experience was amazing .

[Hella]

I am eager to return to the Carnivale and, since I purchased her, my Carnivale Kitten Spectral who I nicknamed Floaty Baby has joined me for this. Her weight on my shoulder is comforting, the slightest hint of baby claws and her nudging my cheek as we landed on graveyard dirt once more and the gate swung open. I was excited for the Carousel. What would my inner world look like this time? Hilariously enough the Demon Guide this time looked like Malthus from the Conjuring movies that I was watching and my steed looked like a tentacled abomination which filled me with comfort for some reason.
What was different this year was the entirety of this was in black and white with splashes of color here and there. As I landed, those colors persist. I spied my own mausoleum with a bunch of graves in front that Floaty Baby found an amazing place to roll around and play in. I chuckled, my attention gripped by a bonfire with creatures jumping around and dancing, others sitting to the sides and sharing stories. Then further in I see my very own bone garden with a scattering of dark vines that seem to pulse. All in all, it permeates shadow and death in a way that is heavily comforting to me. I can’t wait to be able to return.

[Abini:tan]

My inner carnivale this year was a sunbathed meadow with colorful flowers and sparse tents. I spent my time there with a companion.

[ImpQueen]

I am exhausted , I am tired. I have been working my tail off for two weeks trying to get shit clean and organized and herding my cats is easier than herding the different levels of tism and ADHD in this fucking house. My inner child is by my side and I match her yellow and purple Jester/Clown colors with my own take. I'm dressed in what feels like the softest velvet, until I realize it's giant Pansy petals, I smile and notice that my husband, whom I've given the suitable nickname of Boogieman, has decided to match my dress with a similar tux. Not that it was out of his normal color range, but seeing him smile and twirl me around, the softness of the petals against my skin made me smile. I sighed and felt at ease.

“This carnival for you hasn't shifted yet, let's enjoy it while we can love.” He says , taking my hand as he picks my child self up . She giggles and lays her head on his shoulder and away we go.

I begin the meditation, and feel myself begin to sink and slip away , watching the spiral and feeling my bones shift and ache as I relax. I take my legos and begin to work on them, listening to Akelta talk as we walk towards the carousel. I need something to play with my hands to be able to drift away. Boogie takes the lead, after putting my child self down, who we decide to reintegrate if only for ease of the meditation. It feels like Spring slaps me in the face with the blasts of color and smells as she merges back with myself, and we continue on. I'm half way into the second portion of the little Lego succulent set I am building when Akelta tells us we know which beast we are going to pick and it's here I have to pause. Boogie has already chosen a grizzly bear, and I can't help but giggle. His remark about it not being as comfy as the one at home makes me smile. But I can't help to walk around the carousel. I see sharks and tigers, Pegasus , dragons and hydra and even some sirens and other water creatures. Winged Wolves, and cobras decorated in gold with bridles with jewels and glittering goodness, and you'd think I'd go for that one.

I walk around the carousel a few times, as more spots fill up by children and demons alike, I keep coming back to the great white shark I saw at the beginning. It's not directly next to the bear that Boogie is on, but it's on a track next to so that it will pass as it goes around. I sigh, and take the position . I find that the space inside the shark, as I'm not so much on it as in it, is soft and velvety. Comfortable and it allows my aching bones to sink. It's got sort of a tardis like effect, as the shark seems to grow to fit me perfectly, giving a little space so that I don't feel claustrophobic. I feel straps around my ankles and for a second I feel fear, up until I see the eyes of the shark as it lifts it's head and turns back and winks at me. It's magic so anything is possible, and I feel a sense of ease and calm wash over me. I mentally ping Boogie, who tells me if anything happens he'll dismantle the place himself screw by screw and we'll have shark fin soup.

I unpause the video and we continue on.

The carousel starts, and I feel the breeze from the ocean as if it blew right in my face. I smell the salt of the sea and almost can feel the sand beneath my toes. The shark begins to swim threw the rows, or so it feels and I see nothing else but the faint blur of purple as Boogie on his bear goes by. The world does not begin to feel darker, instead it feels lighter and brighter, and my hold on the energetic tie to Boogie begins to loosen. While at the same time as feeling ease and relaxation, I begin to feel panic. That tether is years and years worth of energy that we've refined and knit together.

The carousel stops, and I'm not thrown off, but there is definitely darkness here. Deep abyssal vibes have taken over my carnival this year, and my thalassophobia has absolutely gripped me and I have frozen in my tracks. The shark begins to move and shake. Until the poke that connects it to the carousel … It doesn't snap but it does seem to pop off. A little sheild around me covers the opening at the top and it begins to swim forward, seemingly growing bigger as it goes farther and farther from it's mantle. I'm officially freaked the fuck out, and I can't feel Boogie at all. I can't feel anyone and the deep darkness and pressure of the deep. The moving shadows of leviathan class creatures (haha subnautica reference for you folks) swim above as the ruins of the carnival carved and integrated into giant corals seems to light up with bioluminescence as we pass.

I'm not fucking amused with this, I'm absolutely balls droppingly terrified and can do nothing as we swim through the water. Akelta tells us we say goodbye to the creature and the shark chuckles. I can tell he is my guide here, but without Boogie , I can feel my blood pressure spiking and the panic almost completely taking over.

“Be at ease little puddle. Are you not one with the water?” A voice asks, and I see the black eyes of the shark look back at me, smiling as it does. Or maybe that's just it's impossible toothed mouth I notice that almost has me passing out.

The water, oh my gods he's a genius. I can't reach Boogie but I can reach another companion of mine. Levi, or I at least try to.

“You fear being alone, and so this year we must teach you that you are alone. Not as a punishment but to be at ease with being by yourself.” The shark states, and I have to disengage from the meditation for a second as my eyes begin to water and cloud.

I take some time to ground myself, literally this time as I notice my mother of thousands plants have gotten way to big for their pot and that I am going to have to repot them as they are already starting to sprout. I spent some time out there doing that, hoping that my little plants will bounce back and not go expire . I even be sure to put some of the tinier ones off in a little seed starter cell in the case that the others do expire , so that I'll have one or two to restart the little succulent garden.

After washing my hands I grab a drink and return to my desk, and sit down to continue the meditation. I go back a little bit to before the carousel stops, and I can feel the panic rise in my body again. Back in the shark I am, and while still panicked I feel not so absolutely terrified. My shark is a great white, large and imposing. However it's when I see outside myself, as if like a passer by that I notice my shark has a monocle, and a top hat, and even a mustache. One both as a marking on his upper lip and a full bushy brown one that grows from the tip of his snout. This makes me chuckle, and I feel at ease just a little. Tribal patterns swirl and etch along the sharks body, and the 'saddle' of the ride is carved of gorgeous wood , a rich dark brown with honeyed accents that depict stories. It has a smooth green stone that lines the top, not emerald but not jade, moss agate perhaps? I'm not sure.

I snap back to my body as we continue on. Derelict ships turned into different rides scatter themselves through out the reef, some are farris wheels, others are houses of mirrors, some are mad houses with the bones of the crew manning the attraction. My carnival this year is full of merpeople, perhaps abyssals and sirens and creatures of the deeper seas. My servant from another magical tradition I can feel subtly around me, but yet not manifesting.

For all intents and purposes, as the carnival goers don't seem to notice or care I am there, I feel alone. It's here the darkness begins to manifest from my chest. Years spent in a small room just wishing for someone to come save me come flooding back. Hours and hours of boredom come rushing back, and I find myself almost being lost in the current.

“You are not where you once where, surrounded by love you are now, and warmth.
Yet wishing for peace and quiet. Hm how the tides have turned.” My Shark says , who tells me his name is Aligath, and I feel the words both sting and ring true.

I love my polycule but there has been more and more times recently I almost wished I lived alone then be cramped into what feels like a shoe box then live with three other people.
Realizing this the lack of light in the carnival seems to almost instantly fix itself, lanterns of living jellyfish and algae and various other creatures , even sometimes the coral itself seems to come alive. The laughter and the music of the carnival finally reaches my ears, even if muted. I can feel the vibrations in the water from the shark from the music and rides, the roller coasters, the sea horse races. Manta ray rides carting people to and from portions of the place to another over head. Whales and sharks, dolphins and various other creatures of sizes I cannot begin to describe are far far over head away from the sea floor. I even swear I spot a colossal red squid at one point.

Golden scales. Akelta asks who runs this place and I notice myself in another life, covered in golden scales with a dolphin/shark hybrid like body and tail . Ringleaders hat and cane as I swim and direct those from my little podium to shows and attractions in all sorts of directions.

I feel my body start to give the signal I have been in meditation for too long, and my shark tells me not to worry. He will swim above and wait for me to return. I can rest and be at peace.