Interpersonal Wellness

[Vixen]

Just recently breaking out of a toxic web of interaction with a narcissist I felt the need to explore this through a post...for how many of us become unknowingly stuck in their webs with no way of seeing the traps? The mind is a strange contraption, it is very easily manipulated and when other people are allowed (or rather infringe themselves) into your vulnerable space they can turn things around, upside down, inside out, until you no longer trust your own thoughts.. because you have let them. This is when perspective becomes like a warbled body of water, forever reflecting what you want to see rather than what is actually there sinisterly lurking in the depths.

We all deal with people...we are humans and it is kind of forced on us to integrate into these social dynamics, that being said it is always good to educate yourself on the many facets of manipulation and abuse, it is not often made clear...especially not at first, not until you have sunk so deep into their quicksand that escape seems almost impossible. Let's try to avoid that, shall we? Trust me, it saves a LOT of time and emotional energy... It will be a whole hell of a lot less messy.. and bloody.

The interwebs is littered with sites that list off signs and methods of spotting the narcissist...and they offer some help I suppose, okay.. let's explore them.

According to psychology today, the narcissist is a person who is in love with an idealized self image that they project to others which is often rooted in a deep seated inferiority complex making itself inversely manifest.

There are lots of signs and lots of words that I don't feel like capturing so lets focus on a few in particular that really stood out to me..

The Charm!
Oh...they make you feel so good, yes? They drown you in compliments, they sing out your praises until they're blue in the face..it's almost funny how much they seem to like you, isn't it? It's actually...actually kind of weird, kind of strange, a little bit uncomfortable. Why are they doing this? Well, it is actually a method of breaking down your walls... we humans are vulnerable, ego driven creatures who love to be stroked and pet and caressed with the silky sweet admiration of another. This seems to forge a sort of camaraderie between them that the narcissist quickly infiltrates like the parasite it is.

They are really very good at making themselves seem likeable, admirable, sweet, and genuine at first... really good, so good in fact that they can come across as unreal...like a super sugary candy that just sits wrong on your tongue. It seems like it tastes nice...but there's something off, something artificial...

The Grandiosity!
They are able to paint a picture of themselves as being so much more than they actually are, they use whatever methods they excel at; whether information hoarding/distributing, ambiguous claims of experience/success, falsified stories of status, etc.. You have to remember there is an art to what these people do, they are quite literally painting personas...and using their works of art to further their methods of manipulation and control. It fascinates me, it really does...they are very skilled in their craft, so much so that it blends and it bends and it warps all the other personas around them and even within them.

They will make claims that boost them up while simultaneously putting others down, they will boast exclusivity like nothing else, they will see to it that every last facet of them is made to appear desirable, powerful... a power that ignites envy, a power that fuels pettiness. This sort of power they boast wobbles atop a shaky foundation and if you look closely you can see the way the winds shake it, the loose pieces that fall from its structures every so often..But you must look fast, for they are quick to cover up the signs of damage.

The Wordplay!
Words are weird, I know this very well...I often exploit them for their weirdness, but that's besides the point. They really are not as static and concrete as the structures of language would have you believe, they can so easily be crafted with an empty vacancy, they can so easily be manipulated and warped. The parasite knows how to handle words in a manner that will always benefit them and only them.. Actually, if you know what to look for this can easily give away their toxicity for it bubbles up unconsciously through their use of words, through the way they handle and interact with words of their own and others, and through their methods of twisting around words and meanings, always with a sharp noxious fume to it..

These are the types of people who are able to make you question that which comes out of your own mouth, they are able to, no matter what, come out right/superior because of the manner in which they can strip the words of meaning and turn it all into a game of ego, a game they know oh so well... A game they painstakingly crafted from all their deficiencies and insecurities. (and no, this is not candyland...)

The Negativity!
Tantrums. Enough said.

No, actually I am going to quote the passage from the website, for they have elucidated it perfectly.

Many narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They may throw a tantrum if you disagree with their views, or fail to meet their expectations. They are extremely sensitive to criticism, and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). On the other hand, narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you. Some narcissists are emotionally abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves.

It is incredibly important to observe your feelings when interacting with another, how do they make you feel? Do their words seem to evoke a sense of inferiority within you? Pay close attention, the toxic fog is never hard to spot when you have your eyes open...it is only when you stay in the dark and continually breathe it in that it really gets to you.

Now... let's go a bit more in depth beyond this, shall we?

We know the signs, we know the traits...but what if we love them? What if we think they're amazing and wonderful and full of delicious substance?

We wake up. We look past the false highs we've been entertaining and we move on. We realize our worth and what they will potentially bring and we move on. We drop the games and we move the fuck on.

Remember, this is NEVER as clear as it is made out to be. Those of us who are trapped in the webs, we don't want to acknowledge this...because then we can no longer dance with the spider, then we have to plan our escape. But what is this about? It's about taking responsibility for our greater well being, it is realizing that not everything is as it seems and acting accordingly. It is growing up beyond the helpless maiden who couldn't see the prince as the predator he really was.

Stay cautious... we have wolves lurking about in every corner.. they are never far.

[Akelta]

Having dealt with a few narcissists myself in my past, this post speaks so strongly to me. This post hehe It actually reminds me of the Movie Coraline. It was the perfect example of a Narcissistic relationship and growing up and healing and moving beyond it.

Part of my path in walking with demons has been healing from this and also working with them to learn to identify and remove toxic people in my life. It is amazing how they can sneak up, I look in the past at times when I have been faced with a narcissist and it happened so gradually. What bothered me was it happened twice in a row! It was the patterns of the brain and familiarity. After it happened I realized that there was a brain pattern here and I asked Uphir and Leviathan about it. Both of them told me that unless I healed the deep issues and pin pointed the root cause I was at risk of manifesting another narcissist into my life. Each encounter with a narcissist really does leave you broken and distorted, and I was torn to shreds by one of my encounters, though they were both amazing moments of growth.

It is such a weird progression. At first it was like this person is amazing! they are incredible! both of the narcissists I knew I had a lot of fun with. There was that time where it was like clockwork, things were synchronistic and it was incredible. Then little subtle things started to happen, the little jabs, the subtle words, the weird controlling behaviours that seemed to come out of no where and before long I realized I was walking on egg shells and I could not be myself! Who I was upset them, it was like they saw me as property instead of a friend and completely had no regard for my life and boundaries outside of them. They were demanding in their wants of me and disguised them as wanting to spend time with me as friends. They were really weird connections.

Both were incredibly grandiose in their claims, so good at painting pictures and making you see their side of things. Mammon was never fooled though, he told me with both to get out, and it was actually only through the support of my REAL friends and family that I was able to get out, even then it was challenging. I realized to I had healing to do in me. a huge healing journey that took me to the depth of my soul, but it has taught me many powerful lessons. Really I have no desire to have toxic people like this around me.

The demons they really worked with me on this, helping me to identify the reasons why I needed the approval of these people, and i realized that was it, I had manifested both of them because I lacked the self love and empowerment in myself. Demons are all about self love and self care, it is in a way the foundation of their philosophies and societies. They helped to empower me and break the bindings that were manifesting these toxic people in my life. I admit it, my energies manifested them. Demons also teach accountability and responsibility, so I took responsibility for the energies around me, admitted I was doing something to fall into this trap and have been really working to bring amazing empowering people into my life! and I am very happy to say! the group I have around me now is amazing! Healing hurts, but it is so worth it in the end!

[Anatel]

yeah, ive known a couple of those in my day. spent 16 years with one . Another thing they are keen on doing is gaslighting.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/po ... gaslighted" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

great post

[Akelta]

yeah, ive known a couple of those in my day. spent 16 years with one . Another thing they are keen on doing is gaslighting.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/po ... gaslighted" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

great post

The gas-lighting that is the worst! Gas-lighting it makes you doubt your senses and your own reality! These people are so pro! they come in and you will swear you say something, and did something, and then suddenly you find yourself apologizing and taking all the blame and wondering what the hell just happened! You cannot even understand how it happened and it defies logic and sense. They will say one thing, then change it, or they will tell you one thing and then tell another person something completely different and try to set up situations where they control the information and everyone else is left confused.

[Eilana]

I lived with and was married to a malignant narcissist for 8 years. Nami thank you for posting this, you actually summed it up perfectly in so many ways and highlighted things I myself have experienced.

These people, the way they infiltrate, they prey upon existing patterns, they use wordplay and disguise things often twisting everything around them so the end result is a mass of negative energy at which they are in the center of feeding upon. A LOT of people do not see these people for what they are and often think highly of them. They paint themselves as experts when they are not. They are charming and try to win everyone over, they talk and build themselves up until everyone is praising them and then, they will subtly cut you down. They will take shots at you. They undermine you. And some of them are so subtle you don't even know they are doing it.

This was the case with what happened to me. I thought he loved me. He told me that he 'loved me no matter what I did'. <- Subtly telling me over time I was a horrible person and making me think I didn't deserve love. Real Love is not deserved or earned. Real Love is not conditional. If someone is saying these things to you, they don't love you. That's not real love.

And the temper tantrums when he didn't get his way or someone 'offended' him. He thought so highly of himself and everyone had to fall in line. If they didn't he would attack. He would threaten to kill any other males because he was so insecure and threatened by them. It's incredibly unbalanced. Jealous and possessive energies are so often framed as 'romantic' but really they are disgusting and destructive. I bought myself a box of chocolates once and he demanded to know where I got them then when I said I bought them, he said, you? Ok good. I thought I was going to have to kill someone.

Looking back, it's really disturbing that I was with someone like that.

[Kharybdis]

This is very interesting. I was in a relationship (that I did not want, but had pushed upon me) with someone who meets several of these criteria. The singing of praises, the negativity, the tantrums. However, this person was not grandoise in the least; instead, this person was continually putting themselves down in most manners, though they would also criticize and become very snide at certain times. It was rather bizarre. They were horrifically emotionally manipulative, and I tried to end the relationship on four or five different occasions. Eventually, after five or so years of putting up with it, of feeling no chemistry and growing tired of the constant clinging and demands on my time and attention, I broke it off like the Cold War: a single e-mail, because otherwise they would wheedle their way out of it as they had on numerous prior occasions, and then blocked them on every single point of contact I had with them.

They stalked me on the internet. They sent messages to accounts I didn't know they knew I had. They messaged my mother on Facebook, asking her to talk to me for them. They called me a demon (oh how little they--or I--knew then...), said I would die alone, that I was a horrible person--and then immediately sent an e-mail saying they didn't mean it, they were just angry, they didn't know what to do because they loved me so much. I am bad with emotions, and I don't understand love in the least, but... well, I'm no fool. I knew that what they were displaying was as much love as the raging ocean is just a small koi pond in the back yard.

The entire time, he was undermining me while simultaneously placing me on a pedestal. It was confusing, it was ensnaring--and I let my pity, and my desire for peace and companionship, override my common sense far too many times.

Like Eliana stated, these people are masters of deception--even self-deception--and can manipulate in so many different ways. This one threatened suicide constantly to keep me in line... until I eventually stopped caring, because it was a matter of survival for me or for them, and I chose myself in the end.

Disgusting people, truly. I wonder now where I would be without the brokenness they amplified in me over the years.

[User5191]

I too know all about narcissists. On an extreme level. You're not alone.

[user1876]

I lived with and was married to a malignant narcissist for 8 years. Nami thank you for posting this, you actually summed it up perfectly in so many ways and highlighted things I myself have experienced.

These people, the way they infiltrate, they prey upon existing patterns, they use wordplay and disguise things often twisting everything around them so the end result is a mass of negative energy at which they are in the center of feeding upon. A LOT of people do not see these people for what they are and often think highly of them. They paint themselves as experts when they are not. They are charming and try to win everyone over, they talk and build themselves up until everyone is praising them and then, they will subtly cut you down. They will take shots at you. They undermine you. And some of them are so subtle you don't even know they are doing it.

This was the case with what happened to me. I thought he loved me. He told me that he 'loved me no matter what I did'. <- Subtly telling me over time I was a horrible person and making me think I didn't deserve love. Real Love is not deserved or earned. Real Love is not conditional. If someone is saying these things to you, they don't love you. That's not real love.

And the temper tantrums when he didn't get his way or someone 'offended' him. He thought so highly of himself and everyone had to fall in line. If they didn't he would attack. He would threaten to kill any other males because he was so insecure and threatened by them. It's incredibly unbalanced. Jealous and possessive energies are so often framed as 'romantic' but really they are disgusting and destructive. I bought myself a box of chocolates once and he demanded to know where I got them then when I said I bought them, he said, you? Ok good. I thought I was going to have to kill someone.

Looking back, it's really disturbing that I was with someone like that.

Eilana I have never been married to any Narcissist person but I have had a few a Few in my life before it was some of the worst days . I have every had . they are Liers users with very Toxic energy that enjoy making you feel like ' something is wrong with you no matter what they are always right and your wrong my best days came after walking ' the Hell away from them to this day I haven't looked back my life is great now

[Vixen]

Bump!

[User3246]

I have dealt with several toxic people in this life, and I find that the more I get my shit together and the more work I do on myself and my own problems, the less I care about these people. I look up one day, and they are gone! I have rage like the depths of the ocean, still, and that gets in the way of the blessings and prosperity that are trying to come to me. Prosperity has its own frequencies, and I am slowly learning that my negative emotions can block that energy coming to me. There is unbelievable wisdom in the statement "Be still and know that thou art God." Okay, I changed that a little! Yes. Be still and become a magnet for the frequencies you need! Love and adventures, and riches! Send that call out, then get still and watch it come to you! Yes. We are GODS. Oh nooooo! I sound too much like Koetting now! LOLOL! Maybe we are gods with a little g. Heheh!